If It’s Broken, Fix It

We live in a world now where when something breaks; we throw it away. It becomes disposable to us, including relationships. Being in a relationship that feels broken can make you feel stuck, but the Love you share with another is worth fixing.

As someone who has had many relationships that did not work, I am an expert on what does not work in a relationship. Here are some helpful suggestions that I hope will help you.

 

Fix it BEFORE it is Broken

Fix it BEFORE it is Broken

Ultimately, the best time to fix something before it’s broken. There is the story that was shared with me by a mentor, of which I have had many, of two hurt people make eye contact with each other from across the room and have a relationship. What follows is no surprise, more hurt.

The best fix in any relationship starts with yourself. Take whatever amount of time you need to recover from the sadness and hurt for any past relationships which varies from person to person according to Janet Zinn, LCSW, a New York City–based couple’s therapist before you start another relationship..

“It’s better to get through the breakup and learn what you can from the previous relationship, so you’ve grown,” Zinn says. Once you’ve figured out a lesson or two — what you want in your next relationship, what you don’t, etc. — go ahead and get back out there.[1]

The second-best piece of advice is to be more selective in who you choose to be with. Thinking rationally can be exceedingly difficult when the emotional mind is in charge. The emotional mind is that section of the mind that takes over our decision-making capabilities during certain circumstances. This is an example of the two hurt people making eye contact scenario I mentioned earlier.

These scenarios may carry an emotional weight with them that triggers various responses: dread, anger, sadness, anxiety, etc. For this reason, it’s difficult to maintain an impartial, reasonable mindset when in this state.[2]

The emotional mind will tell you everything is fine, and you will want to listen to it, while the rational mind will tell you that something is wrong.

The Rational Mind bases its decisions on facts, evidence, and what worked in the past. These activities are more likely to foster a straightforward, logical kind of thinking.[3]

We cannot be certain that we won’t be able to control our emotional mind when the time comes, so the best policy is to know what you want before you need it and to seek that which you desire BEFORE you start.

 

“If you don’t like something in your life-Fix it”

— Joseph Binning

 

Here are some things to look for in the person you want to give your heart to.

They MUST be able to Communicate with and to You

They MUST be able to Communicate with and to You

Communication is possibly the most important key to a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

Communicating is more than good morning and how was your day. Communication is “im feeling bad because….” And being able to complete the sentence without someone getting defensive. To foster good communication, you must follow a few simple rules.

  1. Always be truthful. Don’t hide how you feel. Not wanting conflict is a terrible reason to keep things bottled up inside of you. Being honest with yourself and your partner is the best way to be true to your truth, and to them. It’s not fair, or wise, to make someone guess what’s wrong.

 

  1. Don’t blast them with the truth. Your truth might differ from their truth, so keep that in mind. A person who says the truth in a way that no one will hear is just a person talking to themselves.

 

“A person who says the truth in a way that no one will hear is just a person talking to themselves.”

— Joseph Binning

 

  1. Speak honestly, but always with the other person’s best interest in mind. Discussing tough issues can be hard enough. Don’t just tell what’s on your mind so you can make yourself feel better. Relationships die from a thousand cuts, so wield your sword carefully.

Read my article The Key to Intimacy in Love, Real Love, Is Communication here: Communication

 

There MUST be Balance in any Relationship

If It’s Broken, Fix ItWhen two people join together, there is now twice as much work required each day. While the expression “many hands make light work” is appropriate in this situation, it doesn’t always translate into actual life. Sometimes it can mean someone now has more work to do each day than before the relationship started and can leave to resentment.

Here are some ground rules to follow for best results:

  1. Make an agreement that we will not discuss any decision that only effects the individual, but we must discuss any decision that directly effects the couple first. Don’t blindside your partner on anything.
  2. Discuss the workload BEFORE you start. There is no written rule that only one person must clean or do laundry. Common chores are a joint responsibility. Discuss this in a fair and balanced way. Overloading one person is a sure way of causing resentment.
  3. Discuss your financial responsibilities and commitments weekly. Carve out a day each week to discuss what you owe, who you owe, and how you plan to pay for it. Plan for emergencies and long-term goals. Finance is NOT the responsibility of only one person and doing so leads to resentment and doubt.
  4. Take turns setting up date night. When only one person is responsible to arrange everything, it leaves room for resentment and feelings of nonappreciation. Remember, date night is essential, especially after kids.
  5. Take care of yourself, first. Keeping your own identity is the best way of keeping yourself balanced. Taking care of what you need for you, ensures that resentment for never being able to do what you need to do for you will ever come up. Carve out YOU time and honor it.

Read my article RELATIONSHIPS-Are Not About Sex ~ They’re About You here: RELATIONSHIPS

You MUST Maintain your Connection to Each Other

If It’s Broken, Fix ItRelationships have a way of becoming “comfortable”. This is a sign that they are getting stagnant and could implode before your eyes. Maintain you Connection to each other is remembering the Why in why you are together. The reason you are together.

Getting “comfortable” in a relationship can lead to a lack of putting in the effort and phoning it in. This can lead to resentment from your partner, which if left unchecked can lead to the end of the relationship.

Here are some ground rules to follow for best results:

 

  1. Never assume. People appreciate being asked their opinion. It shows them you value it and them. The easiest way to start a fight is to assume you know how someone feels or thinks about any subject. Checking in shows you care, so check in.
  2. Tell your partner how you feel about them every day. As people, we need to hear that we are loved. Don’t assume that actions dictate to another person you love them. We NEED to hear it. It feeds our souls so say it but mean it.
  3. Always think of the other person and how your actions will affect them BEFORE it happens. The easiest way to end a relationship is to think about you and only you. The “what about me” attitude is selfish. You will get what you give.
  4. Protect them, especially from yourself. We can be our own worst enemies in a relationship, its part of being human. Be Aware of that. If you have the choice of being kind or right, be kind.

Read my article THE MOST IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN LOVE, REAL LOVE, IS TRUST here: THE MOST IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN LOVE

 

If you have enjoyed this article, please visit me at www.JosephBinning.com for more helpful tips and articles.

You can also get more helpful information in my book You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here Amazon You Matter, even if you don’t think so

For my free report Happiness Is A Choice click here: Happiness Is A Choice Free Report

Remember: Happiness is a choice, so choose to be happy.

[1]

13 Experts Reveal The Best Time To Date After A Breakup/ Bibi Deitz/Bustle.com/accessed 10/27/2020/ https://www.bustle.com/life/178909-when-is-the-best-time-to-date-after-a-breakup-13-experts-weigh-in#:~:text=Many%20times%2C%20people%20are%20ready%20to%20start%20seriously,White%2C%20an%20author%20and%20relationship%20expert%2C%20tells%20Bustle.

[2] THE 3 MINDS: EMOTIONAL, RATIONAL, AND WISE/accessed 10/27/2020/ https://www.hellopeacefulmind.com/the-3-minds-emotional-rational-and-wise/#:~:text=%20There%20are%20many%20examples%20in%20which%20the,4%20Certain%20people%2C%20places%2C%20or%20events%20More%20

[3] THE 3 MINDS: EMOTIONAL, RATIONAL, AND WISE/accessed 10/27/2020/ https://www.hellopeacefulmind.com/the-3-minds-emotional-rational-and-wise/#:~:text=%20There%20are%20many%20examples%20in%20which%20the,4%20Certain%20people%2C%20places%2C%20or%20events%20More%20

 “I trust you” is a better compliment than “I love you” because you may not always trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust…

-Joseph Binning

Love, we all seek it. We all need it. We all desire it. Lasting, fulfilling Love. But to give yourself to another, fully and freely give them all of you, the most important ingredient in Love, is Trust.

Trust is one of the most crucial building blocks of becoming emotionally intimate with another person. It is fundamental for a healthy, close relationship. The building of trust takes time, patience, and work to establish it.

Merriam-Webster defines trust, the verb, as;

  1. to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of
  2. to place confidence in: rely on.

Trust means trusting yourself, your own judgments, and trusting others. Trust is the foundation for any relationship. Without it, the relationship will not last. Lack of trust is the main reason relationships fall apart.

Why?

Because, if you don’t have trust, it means you won’t feel secure with your partner. Trust means you can rely on your partner, can confide in them, and feel safe with them.

When mistrust comes in, loves goes out.

 -Irish proverb

But we must earn trust. It takes time. It’s not automatic. It is essential to a lasting love. The good news–with effort, we can build trust.  Even if there have been issues with trust in your relationship, you can change and build a trusting, secure connection. The first step is to recognizes if you have trust issues in your relationship and then work to build trust and improve your relationship.

We fill the beginning with long, laughter-filled dates and passionate first kisses. Afterwards might bring moments filled with doubt—maybe even fear—about your budding romance and where it is going might creep in. People bring all kinds of baggage with them when they enter a new relationship, and a lack of trust can weigh the union down before it even gets started.

We’re all carrying our pasts around with us: Whether we’re scarred by an unfaithful partner from a previous relationship or we’re working through a childhood trauma, learning to trust a new partner and/or moving past old trust issues can be tough. And getting your partner to trust you is no simple task.

Why Trust is vital in a relationship

A relationship without trust is like a car without gas, you can stay in it all you want, but it won’t go anywhere.

 -Joseph Binning

In a relationship you cannot give all of yourself to someone you cannot trust.

In a lasting relationship you place your heart in someone else’s hands, freely, without hesitation, and you give all of it. It is a scared rite of passage. Without trust, this is not possible.

Trust promotes healing

I have always said that in a relationship you will either someone will misunderstand you or you will be misunderstood. The trick is to figure out which one it is. In either case, someone stands the chance of getting hurt. Lack of trust will prevent the other person from seeking relief from the pain, either from causing the pain, or receiving the pain. If you can trust that the other person will listen to you, and receive what you said, trust will flourish.

Trust breeds hope

Hope is a powerful thing. If your partner trusts you, there is always hope that your relationship can survive the storms of life. Trust that you won’t leave. Trust that you will listen, intending to hear what you have to say. Trust that they will stand beside you.

Trust keeps your emotions in check

Healthy trust in a relationship will prevent those thoughts in your head of unfaithfulness if your partner doesn’t answer the phone. Trust will prevent the mind from racing out of control when you are not with your partner. Trust will allow you to be honest and open with your partner when you have an issue to discuss.

Trust sets you free

Trusting your partner and being trusted by your partner gives you the freedom to not need to explain your actions and decisions to your partner. It allows you to have personal space without having to worry and allows you to be fully present wherever you are.

For trust to flourish, you must first be trustable

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

–Ernest Hemingway

 

For trust to flourish, we must consistently earn trust.

Each time you earn your partner’s trust by showing them you are trustworthy, you put reserves in your emotional savings account. We draw from this account when situations arise that might otherwise cause doubt. Earning your partner’s trust will create security in your partner, which brings trust to the relationship.

Live with a high level of integrity.

Integrity creates a high level of trust in your partner because they can come to expect how you will act or react in certain situations. When your partner knows that you will do the right thing even when no one is around creates a powerful level of trust in any relationship, but especially with your partner.

Look them in the eyes

Make eye contact. When you speak to your partner, fix your eyes on them, and them only. Avoid the distractions. Make them feel as if they were/are the only ones in the room, no matter where you are. Direct eye contact tells them they matter to you in that moment. Teaching them how important they are to you will build a powerful bond and create a powerful level of trust.

Always be honest

Be yourself always. Never try to be someone or something else, especially when you are together. If something offends you, say so. If your mad, say so lovingly. If something makes you happy, say so. Don’t hide your feeling for any reason. Allow them to trust that they know the real you.

Always show respect

Respect goes a long way. Showing someone the respect they do or don’t deserve makes you the better person and builds trust that you will always act with honor. Honor the relationship and respect the person.

TRUST IS THE OIL THAT KEEPS YOUR RELATIONSHIP BURNING

I’m not upset that you lied to me; I’m upset from now on, I can’t believe you.

–Friedrich Nietzsche

We can liken trust to oil in a lamp. Without it, the fire in your relationship won’t remain burning. And just as oil helps keep a machine working efficiently, trust helps make sure your relationship keeps on working and moving in the right direction. Trust, like oil, should be clean and free of debris. To replenish trust in your relationship, like oil, you need to keep it free from debris which leads to doubt. You can do it by choosing to trust and be trustworthy daily. As soon as you wake up, make a conscious decision to trust and not doubt. Eventually, trusting will become part of your system and one that you won’t have to force yourself into doing.

Trust is the key component of every relationship and should be an intricate part of your relationship. Value it, enjoy it, but protect it, and your relationship will be as strong as a fortress built on a hill.

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You might also like this: IN ORDER TO LOVE SOMEONE WELL, YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF, FIRST * 12 EASY STEPS TO LEARN HOW

And this one: WHY THE MESSAGE YOU MATTER, EVEN IF YOU DON’T THINK SO IS SO IMPORTANT NOW

If you have enjoyed this article, please visit me at www.JosephBinning.com for more helpful tips and articles.

You can also get more helpful information in my book You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here: Amazon You Matter, even if you don’t think so

For my free report Happiness Is A Choice click here: Happiness Is A Choice Free Report

Remember: Happiness is a choice, so be happy.

You Matter, even if you don't think so

Once upon a time in ancient China, there was a builder who worked only for the Emperor. For several decades he designed and built many magnificent houses and majestic structures for the Emperor and the royal court and was getting ready to retire.

One day, the Emperor summoned him. “I understand you will retire soon and enjoying a well-deserved rest from the toils of working for so many years, but I have one last project for you” said the Emperor. I want you to design and build the best house you have ever created. You will oversee all work from the beginning to the end. I have already picked out the best location for the house. All you need do is buy the best materials and hire the best workers to build it. Spare no expense. It must be your best work.”

With this last task the builder saw an opportunity. Since he would be the only one in charge, no one would know if he took a few shortcuts here and there. Since he was about to retire, this would be his last chance to make a little extra money. He was, after all, the best builder in the land and knew how to make something look good on the outside even though it was built poorly on the inside.

They granted the builder unlimited resources to build the house, of which he only spent a fraction of by buying low grade materials and using less expensive and less qualified labor and rushed the project to completion. When the builder finished, he sent word to the Emperor of the house’s completion.

The Emperor was pleased and vowed to visit the house to see what the builder had built.

JosephBinning.com

 

When the Emperor arrived, the builder was surprised to see all the Emperor’s Ministers and Royal Court had accompanied him. They were all extremely impressed with the house and the builder was not concerned that they would discover he had taken so many shortcuts because he used all of his tricks he had learned over the years to hide them.

The Emperor gathered all his Royal Court together and made an announcement. “As you all know, the builder has worked tirelessly for me for many years and has designed and built many grand structures and now is retiring and this house will be his greatest masterpiece.

The Emperor then handed the builder the keys to the house and proclaimed “the best way for me to thank him and show him my appreciation for many years of faithful work, is to give his greatest masterpiece to him as the perfect retirement present.”

Everyone erupted in applause, but the builder stood stunned in disbelief.

 

This story is a metaphor for life. When you enter it, it gives you unlimited resources and opportunities to build the best life possible. It is your responsibility to direct whatever energy is required to manage it. Your mission is clear: build the best life possible and spare no expense.

 

Where your story gets complicated is when, like the builder, you find out that you are in charge and must assume sole responsibility of your life from beginning to the end, from birth to death. By that I mean you are free to design your life any way you desire. This freedom is a wonderful thing because, like the builder, only you are in charge. There is great liberty in knowing you, and only you, oversee your life. This freedom can also be a terrible thing because you are only accountable to yourself. There is no one watching or supervising you to make sure you make the correct decisions and choices. Only you know when you take a short cut in life.

The trap in life is when we believe because we are in charge, we only need to do the minimal to get by. Not putting in the required work needed to gain that what you deserve in life, creating a façade with no substance that would require the tedious work needed to accumulate what we need to build the best life possible. You create a false image for you and others to see.

The trap gives you momentum without knowing it; it allows you to take the effortless way out without doing the work required. But it is in doing the work required that creates the person who you need to be. It is not the destination in life that makes you the person you need to become; it is the journey that shapes you and molds you. It is the mistakes you make along the way that teaches you who you want to be.

The builder who thought he was working for someone else and took short cuts, but he only cheated himself out of a tremendous gift in the end. When you cheat, you cheat yourself. We cannot destroy a house built on a firm foundation. We can shake it. It will go through storms, but it will not fall.

JosephBinning.com

 

Here is How to Build a Significant Life

  1. Always be Teachable

Never stop learning and never stop being willing to allow life to teach you fresh things. It is when we feel we have arrived life is over. Remember, it is what you learn AFTER you know it all that counts.

  1. Look in the mirror first

Every day wake up and look in the mirror. Ask the person you see if they are doing the very best they can and demand an honest answer. If the answer is no, tell them to fix it.

  1. Do the right thing, even when no one is looking

Always do your best in everything. When you cheat and take shortcuts you cheat yourself. You are worth more than second best.

  1. Remember you are worth it

We cheat and take short cuts because they are easy. They do not require hard work. Each time you cheat or take a short cut the next time it becomes easier. Soon, it becomes the only way you know. Know that each time you cheat or take a short cut you cheat yourself out of a victory, be it large or small. You deserve and are worth those victories.

  1. Show the World how to live

Notice I did not say, tell the world, I said to show the world. Life is a stage and people are watching you. Your actions are teaching someone something every day if you want to or not. Teach them well.

JosephBinning.com

You might also like this:  DON’T WAIT TO FIND OUT YOU ARE DYING BEFORE YOU START LIVING

And this one: WHAT I LEARNED FROM BEING STUCK AND FROZEN

If you have enjoyed this article, please visit me at www.JosephBinning.com for more helpful tips and articles.

You can also get more helpful information in my book You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here Amazon You Matter, even if you don’t think so

For my free report Happiness Is A Choice click here: Happiness Is A Choice Free Report

Remember: Happiness is a choice, so be happy.

You Matter, even if you don't think so

Stop repeating what never worked.

Stand back and ask for a new solution.

— Deepak Chopra

 

CHANGE—why is it so hard?  Why do we dread it?  Why do we put it off until we can’t bear the pain of not changing?  If change were easy, you wouldn’t be reading this book, and I wouldn’t have written it.  If it were easy, we would all be doing it willingly and frequently.  Complacency is a dream killer.  We feel its effects in our lives, which is a good thing. It creates a realization in us that there is a need to change.  Change causes us to develop, expand, become more us, grow into our best selves, and become happier.  Change causes us to become our own thought leaders, the internal force that inspires and drives us.

 

So, how do we know whether we need to change and when?  By asking ourselves what we desire and why we desire it. Finding our why can be as simple or as difficult as we make it. For a minute, or a few, focus deeply on what you don’t like about that thing you don’t want, that thing you want to change.  What is it that makes you sick or disgusted, angry or bored, ashamed or afraid, frustrated or over it?  What makes you lose sleep at night?

 

Here’s where discernment comes in.  If your why is that you want to approval, then you want to change yourself for someone else.  But someone else’s doesn’t matter, remember?  We just learned that in the previous chapters.  If you’re to like yourself more, you must reach a point where you Love yourself, with no conditions needed.  With that said, wanting change for awakening, actualizing your potential, healing, letting go of what doesn’t serve you, or integrating self-discoveries is the best reason and motivator to change. And with these kinds of changes, all our future experiences in life will shift for the better.  Along those lines, if your why is to be healthier or feel more vitality or happiness, there is no better motivation for change.

 

Most take better care of their cars than they do their mind-body-spirit selves.  Although everything in life is temporary, including life itself, you’re here for a stretch, and you want that stretch to feel the best and easiest it can feel.  You’re the only you, the only you that will ever exist.  You’re one of a kind.  Changing for yourself is your right and your responsibility. Make sure that the change you are making is for you and only for you, to be the best YOU for you.   An added benefit of that is that when you change for yourself, your change will automatically, naturally, and positively affect those around you.

 

So, how do we begin the change?  The easiest way to begin, especially the change we’ve been putting off or debating, is the same method we used to determine whether we need to change.  Ask yourself why you want to make the changeAre your why’s  rooted in desires?  What are you desiring that you think this change will satisfy?  Find out all your why’s, and go to the heart of them, the core desire underneath the why, and write them down on a card, note, or whiteboard or bulletin board.  Then, you’re ready to do the next step—make them stick.

 

How do you make changes stick? Here are a few steps and methods to create change that works.

 

Envision yourself and your life without that thing you do not want anymore, or with that thing you want. What would your life look like then?  How would you feel then?  What would you be able to do, be express, have, or experience then?  What else would change from that change being completed? Take notes on your vision. Write the details of what your situation will look like after the change and what it feels like.  This step really helps you see yourself as if the change already happened and supplies the content for the next step in making the change effective.

 

Divide the change or goal into mini changes. When people are serious about wanting to change something, they often set the bar too high: I will lose 100 pounds in six months.  When they don’t reach their lofty goal, the conditioned response of mental shame and self-critical tapes begin again: I’m a loser; She was right; I shouldn’t have tried this; I’m just no good at this.  Don’t set yourself up for disappointment.  Be kind to yourself.  Divide your big goal or change into smaller, reachable pieces and start simple until you find the pace that feels reachable. It doesn’t matter how long it takes.  You’re not in a race.  You’re not competing with anyone.  This is your life.  You design it to feel good and right to you.  When something feels good, we stick with it.  When we find our rhythm, we know it.  You can always adjust your pace as you get more confident in and inspired by your stride and abilities.  You will feel good about yourself, and that is the goal, besides aligning with your desired intention. 

 

An intention is a statement or declaration of what you will do, say, think, believe, be, or experience.  Thousands of years ago, the sages of India came to observe that we shape our ultimate destinies with our deepest intentions and desires.  Everything that happens in the universe begins with a desire, followed by an intention. Whether I’m buying a birthday present, working on a project, or calling a friend, I start with a desire and then set an intention that will satisfy that desire.  When you clarity and set an intention, write it down on the same note or card that you wrote the desire that created the intention, and keep that card or note somewhere that you will see every day.

 

In his article, “5 Steps to Setting Powerful Intentions,” Deepak Chopra, M.D., founder of The Chopra Center for Wellbeing, explained:

 

“Intention is the starting point of every dream. It is the creative power that fulfills all our needs, whether for money, relationships, spiritual awakening, or Love. An intention is a directed impulse of consciousness that contains the seed form of that which you aim to create. Like real seeds, intentions can’t grow if you hold on to them. Only when you release your intentions into the fertile depths of your consciousness can they grow and flourish. My book, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, the Law of Intention and Desire, lays out the five steps for harnessing the power of intention to create anything you desire.

 

  1.  Slip into the Gap

 

Most of the time, your mind is caught up in thoughts, emotions, and memories. Beyond this noisy internal dialogue is a state of pure awareness that is the place called the gap. One of the most effective tools we have for entering the gap is meditation. Meditation takes you beyond the ego-mind into the silence and stillness of pure consciousness. This is the ideal state in which to plant your seeds of intention.

 

  1.  Release Your Intentions and Desires

 

Once you’re established in a state of restful awareness, release your intentions and desires. The best time to plant your intentions is during the period after meditation, while your awareness remains centered in the quiet field of all possibilities. After you set an intention, let it go — stop thinking about it. Continue this process for a few minutes after your meditation period each day.

 

  1.  Remain Centered, in a State of Restful Awareness

 

Intention is much more powerful when it comes from a place of contentment than if it arises from a sense of lack or need. Stay centered and refuse the influence of other people’s doubts or criticisms. Your higher self knows that everything is all right and will be all right, even without knowing the timing or the details of what will happen.

 

  1.  Detach from the Outcome

 

Relinquish your rigid attachment to a specific result and live in the wisdom of uncertainty. We base attachment on fear and insecurity, while I base detachment on the unquestioning belief in the power of your true Self. Intend for everything to work out as it should; Then allow opportunities and openings to come your way.

 

  1.  Let the Universe Handle the Details

 

Our focused intentions set the infinite organizing power of the universe in motion. Trust that infinite organizing power to orchestrate the complete fulfillment of your desires. Don’t listen to the voice that says you have to be in charge, that obsessive vigilance is the only way to get anything done. The outcome you try so hard to force may not be as good for you as the one that comes naturally. You have released your intentions into the fertile ground of pure potentiality, and they will bloom when the season is right.”

 

 

The more you see yourself as what you’d like to become,

and act as if what you want is already there,

the more you’ll activate those dormant forces that will collaborate

to transform your dream into your reality.

— Wayne Dyer

 

Writing is one of the most powerful and rapid methods to manifest what we want. Don’t type your desires, why’s, visions, and intentions.  Write them.  There is a different, more integrative energy and sensory process that affects our mind-body-heart connection when we pick up a pen or pencil and write, which does not happen when we type on a computer.  When you write each of these desires with intentions, make a few copies.  Don’t photocopywrite the copies.  The more we write it, the more deeply we plant the energy of our intention and form the new belief that will take us there.

 

Place these writings in clear sight of you in your daily actions.

The more we see something, the more it reminds us, the more it roots in our awareness, and the deeper it goes into our subconscious.  Keep a copy of your intention (s) in your wallet or purse, in a place where it will be visible by you each time you open your wallet or purse. When you feel weak, sad, shamed, fearful, or doubtful, pull it out to remind yourself why you are doing it.  Put another copy in a place you will see first thing in the morning, on the bathroom mirror, and last thing at night, next to your bed.  Put a copy in the kitchen, in the car, on the TV, on your computer frame, as a screensaver, and anywhere you can see it.

 

Read them aloud.

As you see each one throughout the day and night, read it out loud.  The energy of the voice resonates inside the heart.  When the mind hears you speak the intention you desire, the body feels it, and the heart will believe that it is.  Don’t worry about what others might think.  Just do it.  The positive change resulting from your readings will be powerful.

 

Get an accountability partner.

Being accountable is a great support resource for many people who need help to stay on track to accomplish any goal or change. If you’re being accountable only to yourself, and you don’t enjoy staying on track, who will know if you cheat or give up?  Who will encourage you to keep going?  Who will remember your why when you have temporarily forgotten or lost your way?  Choose an accountability partner who will commit to holding you accountable and reminding you of your why’s, your vision, and how deeply you desire the change. Make sure your accountability partner is someone you respect, someone who respects you, and someone who will always be honest with you.

 

Track Your Victories. 

Note and celebrate your victories, both large and small.  Create a journal—a Victory Journal. Write every victory, no matter how small. When you feel as if you’re pushing a heavy boulder up a steep mountain, you will need inspiration. Pull out the journal and read it out loud. When you hear yourself saying it, it registers on a subconscious level, and you will begin believing it. Reward yourself for the large victories. Count the small wins as steps toward the reward for the big one. Buy yourself a new something, treat yourself to a meal out, or celebrate in a way that’s meaningful to you.

 

Just be careful not to reward yourself with old habits or self-defeating, weakening rewards, like chocolate, gambling, a night out drinking, a shopping spree, or a whole day off from work when you have deadlines and commitments. You must face a whole new bushel of shaming self-talk and end up lower down the ladder.

 

Know that you can always push reset. 

What happens if you fall lower on the ladder and don’t stay on track in your efforts to change?  What happens if you give up before you reach your goal?  What happens if you make a mistake or you cheat?  Remember from Chapter 3 that everything happens for a reason.  Failures are lessons that teach us what did not work or something about ourselves or our desire that will help us get clearer and more certain. Failures never identify who we are.

 

Realizing that life offers learning with each slip, miss, or shift gives us an opportunity to experience and awaken to something new. Remember imagining when you first learned to walk and saying, after your first fall, “Well, that was a major mistake. I failed.  I guess I’m not meant to walk.” Failure is not the end.  It’s an opportunity to see what worked and what didn’t, try something new, and strengthen your walking muscles.  It’s a new starting point, a chance to re-calibrate and reset your feet.

 

You are in a constant state of change, even if you can’t feel it.  Your job is to create the changes you want ahead of time, by knowing what you want and why you want it and setting the wheels in motion with your intention.  You create your destiny.  You have the power to do so because; You are Great!

 

You are what your deepest desire is. As your desire is, so is your intention.

As your intention is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed.

As your deed is, so is your destiny.

— The Upanishads, Vedic text

This writing is in memory of my Father, who—without knowing it— helped make me the man I am today.

When I was a young boy, my father seemed bigger than life, like most fathers seem to young sons. I looked at him in the same way that I imagine my son Jeremiah looked at me at that age—the Superhero—the towering giant who can fix anything, do anything, and make anything seem better than it is.  We see what we want to see, until we don’t.

Life took him away from me very early in my life, so we never got to have the kinds of deep conversations that my son and I have had. We never shared a beer together. We never ran a half marathon together, never traveled the world together, never went camping, never attended baseball or football games together.  My memories of him are very few, but I have one that will never fade.

I was about seven years old, and we were returning home from somewhere.  We were laughing when he pulled into the driveway. He was good at making me laugh. As we got out, and I looked at him over the roof of the car, all I could see was his head. My superhero dad seemed so small, with only a head and no body.  As I chuckled, I slammed the car door shut with my thumb still in the door.

Screaming at the top of my lungs, crying for him to fix it, I stood frozen, unable to move. What he did next remains forever etched in my mind.

Calmly and gently, but firmly, my father said, “JOSEPH — OPEN THE DOOR.”

At that point in my seven-year life, I had fallen, bumped, smashed, crashed, and broken quite a few objects and body parts.  On those occasions when I’d hurt myself, I’d had seen the alarm in his eyes, sometimes panic.  This time it was different.  His eyes were still, quiet, and wise, as if he knew that he was passing down an important lesson, from a father to his son.

Life guarantees that things will go wrong and we’ll get hurt. Sometimes in those moments, we freeze or panic. The lesson that my father taught me that day is, when those things happen, get calm, breathe—and OPEN THE DOOR. 

My dad reminded me that I have the knowledge, the ability, and the strength to handle the situation. So, I did, I opened the door and I was free. Afterward, he walked me in the house, put my thumb on ice, and did what a good dad does, gave me a bowl of ice cream.  Then, we went to the doctor.  The thumb nail eventually fell off and, to this day, a small section on my left thumb nail doesn’t grow.  That’s just fine with me. When I feel stuck, it’s my reminder to get calm, breathe, and OPEN THE DOOR.

Thanks Dad. 

I was conceived by two people who Loved each other enough to deliver my brother and me into the world and create a family.  Out of his sons, I was my father’s favorite.  As it turned out, he and my mother discovered that they weren’t right for each other and chose separate paths.  It’s a very familiar story. Some in my family have suggested that my father was not equipped, not in the state of mind to be the best example for me. I’ll never know. He took the divorce very hard and was not allowed to see us after they separated.  My last memories of him were watching him sit in his car crying outside of our house.  Without my superhero father, I felt alone.

 

We moved every year.  My mother struggled alone on a secretary’s salary to raise two boys in Los Angeles, California.  Most landlords wouldn’t allow us to renew the lease, since most months we were late with rent. My brother and I never knew about that—her way of protecting us.

 

Being the new kid meant you were bullied—unless the other kids thought you were crazy—in which case, they’d leave you alone. I learned early on to pick a fight with the biggest kid on the playground on the first day of school, even if I’d get pulverized, which was the case a fair amount of the time, and the other kids would leave you alone.

 

I ran away from home a few times. I thought, If I could just find my dad then everything would be alright. I hadn’t yet been told that he was dead.

The cause listed on his death certificate I would later find was suicide.

Alcohol and sleeping pills were apparently somewhat common during that era.  I found out three years after he died, when I was in ninth grade—again, my mother’s way of protecting us.

 

Although I was a decent student—passing my freshman year with a B+ average—I didn’t feel good enough, ever.  When I was fifteen, my mother dropped me off at the local police station.  From there, I was sent to juvenile hall and sent to live at a boy’s home for troubled youth, called at the time The Pacific Lodge Boys Home.

 

Woodland Hills, California was a strange place for a boy’s home.  We attended the local public high school, for some sense of normal life.  That worked in theory, but kids can be very cruel. We were referred to as “the Lodge Boys” by the other kids and reminded daily that we were not “normal” kids. Friends were hard to come by, unless they were from the Lodge.  So, most of us just hung out with each other, it created a bond between us.  If someone from school messed with a Lodge Boy-and they usually did—we all came running.

We called ourselves The Band of Wayward Brothers.

 

The daily schedule at the lodge was designed around individual counseling and occasional family group counseling sessions, with the eventual goal of reuniting each boy into his family unit. I knew I’d never be allowed to return home, that I’d live at the Lodge until I turned eighteen, alone, with no family, no tribe, and no one to belong to—a throw-away child no one wanted.  One minute you belonged to something—be it healthy or dysfunctional, it was your tribe, your family—and the next minute, it’s taken away.  You’re suddenly, unexpectedly, bewilderingly alone.  After losing my dad as a child, I felt alone.  Now I truly was alone and lost.

 

The multiple dorm residential facility had several counselors who worked and slept there during their shifts.  One of my counselors, Cane, was a social worker. He was a warm, laid-back surfer guy, and was always nice, Cane seemed to genuinely care and never judged us.  I was horrible to him. Most of us were. We were a group of angry, hurt boys, deposited in a home for troubled youth, who felt alone in the world.

 

Out of the hundred, or so, kids at the Lodge that Christmas, only two of us were not welcomed home to be with our family for the holiday. My friend Patrick and I wouldn’t be going home, which meant that our counselor Cane, who’s shift was that night, had to stay at the dorm with just the two of us, instead being of home for Christmas with his family.

 

Little did we know, Cane had asked, and was granted permission, to take Patrick and me off campus for Christmas.  We didn’t know what we were getting into, but it was better than being at the Lodge for Christmas.

 

Cane picked us up on Christmas Eve and off we went on what he called

“Cane’s Christmas Present Run”, visiting friends of his to exchange presents and Christmas wishes.  Not once did any one of them make us feel awkward for being there, even though they knew where we were from.  The day ended at his mother’s house with homemade Christmas dinner and all the fixings.  It was a real family dinner with lots of food and lots of people, none of whom made either of us feel left out or unwelcome. Cane and his mother gave presents to Patrick and me—no ugly sweaters or generic or cheap items—genuine gifts they put thought into selecting just for us. I had never known that kind of generosity.  I didn’t understand it.  I’ll never forget that day for as long as I live.

 

When he brought us back the next day, I asked him why he was being so nice to me.  He said,

 

“My job, Joe, is to Love you enough, until the day comes when you are able to Love yourself that much.”

 

I have never forgotten his words, though I didn’t know what that meant at that time.

My life changed that day. I have had my ups and my downs.

I’ve been homeless to homeowner. Not an easy task in California.

Unemployable to a nationally recognized business owner.

Poor and broke, to not having to worry about being evicted.

A 15-year-old throw away child to a sitting Board Member of the San Diego Center for Children I affectionately call The Pacific Lodge Boys Home South.

A lost boy, to world traveler, knowing now that not all those who wander are lost.

Multiple Ironman triathlon finisher

And now new author of a book titled “You Matter, even if you don’t think so” that will be published next year.

 

 

To the next generation of Wayward Brothers and Sisters, or anybody who thinks they are stuck and frozen, here is what I have learned along the way. I hope it helps you.

  1. Good people make bad decisions, that doesn’t make them bad people, it just makes it a bad decision.
  2. Forgive easily and often. Others and especially yourself. Remember, there is only one perfect, and we aren’t it.
  3. You are not broken, and therefore do not need “fixing”. You are perfect, just the way you are.
  4. Life rewards the brave, so be brave. Take a chance, on yourself and others.
  5. Knowledge is only potential, but action is power. Knowing what to do is only half the equation. Take that leap of faith.
  6. Decide to be the best you, just for you. You deserve it.
  7. Love yourself first with all your heart. Those around you will benefit more.
  8. Be your own best friend first. And don’t let him or her down or cut them any slack.
  9. Just because someone says it, doesn’t mean it’s true. They have the right to an opinion, but you also have the right to choose to not believe it.
  10. Happiness is a choice, not a place, thing, moment, or a person so stop chasing it. Only YOU can make YOU happy.
  11. Everything in life is a precious gift. Treat it as such. Don’t disregard it or you WILL lose it.
  12. Everything happens for a reason, figure out why. There are NO mistakes in life, only lessons.
  13. Lastly, and most importantly,

 

OPEN THE DOOR AND SET YOURSELF FREE!

 

If this helped you, spoke to you, or made you think of someone who needs to read this please leave your comments and/or share it.