The Farmer and his Misfortune

There once was a farmer who had a great farm with much land and resources. His farm was very prosperous because he worked very hard, and he shared his prosperity with the local villagers often.

Because he was so generous, people thought of him as kind. He was a humble man, never boasting of his success. For that, people liked and respected him.

Because he was so successful in life, all the villagers thought him to be wise.

One morning he awoke, kissed his wife, had breakfast, and went to tend to his farm duties. As he passed the horse’s stable, he noticed the horse had escaped and run away.

Word of this reached the village and soon all the villagers came to offer their condolences to the farmer. He used his horse every day to tend his farm, and without the horse, his work would not get done.

The villagers all proclaimed to the farmer, “What a substantial loss to have lost your horse. Now you cannot get your work done. What a great misfortune.”

The farmer replied “Maybe”.

The next day, the farmer awoke, kissed his wife, had breakfast, and went to tend to his farm duties. As he entered the pasture, he looked up and saw his horse returning home. Behind him were eight more horses. This thrilled the farmer and gave thanks to the horse.

Word of this reached the village and soon all the villagers came to offer their congratulations to the farmer.

As the villagers inspected the horses, they all noticed that they were brilliant beasts of beauty and all very strong. Now a tremendous amount of work could be done by the farmer.

The villagers all proclaimed to the farmer, “How great is it that your horse returned with eight extra horses. Now you own nine horses! How very fortunate.”

The farmer again replied, “Maybe”.

The next day, the farmer awoke, kissed his wife, had breakfast, and went to tend to his farm duties. During the day, the farmer’s son decided to break in one horse that had arrived the day before against the will of his father.

As he climbed on the horse, the horse started bucking wildly. Soon, very soon, the son was thrown from the horse and suffered a broken leg from the fall.

Word of this reached the village and soon all the villagers came to offer their condolences to the farmer. “How tragic that your son has broken his leg. He is in pain and suffering. What great misfortune”.

The farmer again replied, “Maybe”.

The next day, agents from the military arrived in the village and called all the young men in the village and surrounding lands to assemble. They proclaimed that every young man old enough and capable of carrying a sword would be enlisted to serve in the war.

When the agent came up to the farmer’s son, he dismissed him, since he had broken his leg and it had not mended yet.

The villagers all proclaimed to the farmer, “How great is it that your son will not have to go to war and possibly die because of his broken leg. How very fortunate.”

The farmer again replied, “Maybe”.

This story is a metaphor for life. Life guarantees we will have pain and loss in our lives. Of this we can be sure.

We don’t know when.

We don’t know why.

We just know it will happen.

When it happens, like the farmer, if you have an optimistic attitude, a better day is right around the corner. Of this, I can guarantee.

My suggestion is to go through the pain. Learn from it. Grow from it. And own it.

Possibly you are in a terrible relationship. One that you are just trying to make work. One that takes sooo much effort that it exhausts you. Maybe it feels like you are attempting to put a square peg in a round hole. One that you feel you have to force it to work.

I want to encourage you to get out of it. Leave. Go through the pain it will cause and learn from it. Remember it. Stand on it, not in it.

By leaving the relationship you are not supposed to be in, which if you have to work that hard for it to work, you know it’s wrong; you open up the space for who you are supposed to be with to enter it.

Stop forcing things. Allow the natural flow of life to nourish you. By allowing life to happen as it is supposed to, we allow what is supposed to be in our lives to happen.

Remember, we are not in control, never have been, never will be. If you think you are, just ask the sun to stay out for an extra hour so you can get an extra hour of sleep. See how well that works. It won’t happen.

You can view my video version of this story on my Tik Tok page here: The Farmer and his Misfortune

Or my YouTube channel here: The Farmer and his Misfortune

You might also like this: IN ORDER TO LOVE SOMEONE WELL, YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF, FIRST * 12 EASY STEPS TO LEARN HOW

And this one: WHY THE MESSAGE YOU MATTER, EVEN IF YOU DON’T THINK SO IS SO IMPORTANT NOW

If you have enjoyed this article, please visit me at www.JosephBinning.com for more helpful tips and articles.

You can also get more helpful information in my book You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here Amazon You Matter, even if you don’t think so

For my free report Happiness Is A Choice click here: Happiness Is A Choice Free Report

Remember: Happiness is a choice, so be happy.

The post The Farmer and his Misfortune appeared first on JosephBinning.com.

There is an old Indian tale of a Grandfather sitting around the fire with his Grandson telling him of the two wolves that live within every man and are constantly at war with each other.

One wolf is a dark soul, vicious, evil, wicked, hateful, spiteful, full of ego and envy, who wreaks havoc and destruction to everyone and everything he encounters. He is selfish and mean to others. He only cares for himself. He lives to hurt you. He has no feelings.

The other is a wolf of the light. He is kind, but he is not weak. Strong, yet gentle. Mighty, but humble. We respect him because he is respectable. He listens first, and he judges not. He strives to be the best for him, for you. He leads by example and forgives easily.

The Grandson asks the Grandfather “Grandfather, which wolf wins the war?”. To which the Grandfather replies” whichever one you feed the most”.

As men, it’s during our upbringing that we develop, or don’t, the skills and confidence to lead. Knowing what to do is easy, you just ask someone who is a successful leader in your inner circle. Finding information is easy. It is finding the will to change your life that’s difficult.

Asking for help is one of the most difficult things any man can do. That’s why we don’t ask for directions and drive around for hours or go to the store across town and come home with the wrong item. We don’t ask because we don’t want to seem dumb or incapable.

I once had a coworker who I assigned a task to. In my mind, it was a relatively simple task. I explained it to him in detail, asked him if he understood what it was, I wanted to which he said, yes. I left him with the task and went onto my merry way. Not five minutes later I could hear him cussing across the room, so I went to see what was happening. He informed me he didn’t understand what I had said but did not ask for clarification. When I asked him why he didn’t ask for clarification he replied, “Because I didn’t want to look stupid”.

That how we are as men. When we don’t understand something and don’t ask for clarification, we usually wind up looking stupid. How often has your wife said something that you didn’t understand and didn’t ask for clarification on that you wound up looking stupid over? My guess is more than once.

A very dear friend of mine gave me some much-headed advice. He said, “in any relationship someone will misunderstand you, or you will misunderstand. The trick is to figure out which one it is”.

We don’t ask because we don’t want to look stupid, and yet we wind up looking stupid.

Being a leader of your family is one of the greatest responsibilities you will ever have. Here are some examples of what an outstanding leader looks like that we will dig into to help you become one (Im not giving up on you so keep going).

• Listen Intending to Hear

You have two ears and only one mouth. Listen twice as much as you speak. When you listen, listen. Men think of what to say next and miss what is being said. Stop it.

• Make Eye Contact

When you are speaking with your wife or your children make eye contact. Look them straight into the eyes and don’t look away. Direct eye contact is the surest way to let someone know that you have their full attention and that what they have to say is important to you. This also builds trust.

• Be Present

Work will always be there. Social media is not being social. Sports are just games. As men we are task orientated. We fall into this trap that work is necessary to buy what’s needed for your wife or the family. What she and they really want is you, all of you.

• Make an Effort

Pick up the vacuum, wash the dishes, bath the kids, make dinner plans, and surprise her with it, arrange a babysitter, show up at her work with flowers just because, just get off the couch! Do it without being asked. Showing her, you see her; you value her, showing her, you appreciate her will pay dividends for days, weeks, months, even years if done right. Do it with no expectations because any act of kindness with an expectation is not a gift, it’s a bribe.

• Make Decisions

The biggest complaint I hear from women is that they must make all the decisions in the relationship. Everything from where you eat to what the kids wear. The male ego stops us from deciding because of the false premise that we don’t want to look stupid by making the wrong decision. You make wrong decisions every day, at work, on the road to work, etc. decide, own it, and live with it. It gets easier as you go.

• Stay Humble

As we get older, we lose a step. There is nothing worse than an ego-driven male who thinks he is all that and a bag of chips but doesn’t know he isn’t. Allow others to receive credit. Give credit where credit is due. Say thank you. Give people a break. Show her you can rise above every situation without needing to receive the credit. Leaders, genuine leaders, take the brunt of the failure, yet give credit to others for the success. And remember, your child’s accomplishments are their accomplishments and have nothing to do with you.

• Communicate

Communication creates intimacy in any relationship. Intimacy creates trust. Turn off the TV, turn to her and ask her how her day was. Then shut up and listen. When she has a problem, take you Mr. Fix-it hat off, ask her what’s wrong, and just listen. Stop offering advice unless she asks for it. Women value being heard, so hear what she has to say. Digest it. She’s not attacking you; she’s venting. Let her. Be her safe place that she can go to when she’s feeling hurt, sad, worried, or scared.

• Give her Security

Storms in life will come, you can count on it. When they do, she needs to feel secure in you, in the us in the we of your relationships. Men are rational creatures; women are emotional creatures. They created us that way. It’s the perfect balance. When the emotional storms in life have her down, she needs a solid, safe harbor in you. Too many men today crumble when things get tough. Be strong, but gentle. Mighty, but humble. Listen first, speak second. Assure her it will be all right and do whatever it takes to help her.

• Cherish Her

Sadly, most men take better care of their cars than they do their relationships. Women need to feel cherished. They need to have their light recharged. Don’t tell her only but show her. Show her in your actions, then tell her in your words, with random acts of kindness. It will make her feel more valuable than anything in the world to you.

• Lead by Example

A leader who gets to the top of the hill and is alone is not a leader. He was just a man on a walk. To lead a family, you must convince them to follow you. To convince them, they must trust you. They will learn to trust you by seeing you consistently acting a certain way. If you want people in your family to be kind, be kind. If you want people to be forgiving in your family, be forgiving. If you want people to live a life of integrity, live a life of integrity. Do it because it’s for the right reason. Don’t expect a reward, a trophy, big kudos. Let them learn through osmosis. They will model your example.

• Be the Leader, not the Boss

Often, as men, we can become the bully who acts like a boss. A boss has demands. My way or the highway. This will not create admiration, devotion, loyalty, or respect. It only breeds contempt. A leader must convince those who he leads to follow. He must have a plan. He must share the plan with those who he leads. And we must have buy in from those who we lead. Each person must have a say in the plan. People will do things better, more eagerly, and with more enthusiasm if they have buy in. People must believe in the leader first, and the cause second.

How to Ask for Advice

Advice is easy to get. Just ask the guy who is just as miserable as you are standing next to you and he will tell you exactly what to do. The problem with that is he doesn’t know either. So, what’s a guy to do?

Advice on your relationship must only come from another man unless the advice is coming from a professional counselor in a professional setting, meaning you are paying for the advice. If you violate this rule, you stand the chance of allowing the “appearance of inappropriate behavior” in your relationship. The easiest way to cause your partner to not trust you is to share private moments with another woman outside of a professional setting.

The opposite is also true for her. Women should not share private moments with another man for the same reasons, but that’s another book.

The best advice I ever received was on how to discern excellent advice from terrible advice for getting advice on my relationships. There are six levels of accomplishment in any man’s life that must be in excellent condition for me to heed his advice. Here is what they are.

1. His Relationship Must be Rock Solid

The way to verify this is to look at his wife and how she responds to him in public when no one is watching. Some couples have grown accustom to putting on a “face” in public for all to see and let down their guard when no one is looking. If his wife is showing she is deeply in Love and has that “that’s my man” face on’ his advice on relationships is worth listening to. Remember, just because they have married for a long time is not the only or major area of credibility in his advice. I know couples who have been together for an exceptionally long time and are just roommates.

2. His Finances Must be in Good Order

The number two cause for divorce today, according to Marriage.com, is money.[1] Next to infidelity, money issues are the number one cause for relationships falling apart. Ill give you a hint, it’s not from having too much money and fighting over where to spend it. It comes from having less than your lifestyle requires. The delicate balance of living within your means, for some, can be one of the greatest challenges you will face as a couple. Having a strong financial plan, and sticking to it, will ensure your survival as a couple, so the advice you are given must be from someone who has figured this out and sticks to the plan.

3. His Kids Need to be Good People

Children reflect the values we raise them in. If two people have children and have little or no time to guide them into becoming the person, we destine them to be, the result is usually less than favorable for the future of some children. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics[2] parents spend 2.14 hours per day caring for and helping children in the household. When you consider an average day starting at 6:00 AM and ending between 7:00-9:00 PM which is between thirteen and fifteen hours in the average day 2.14 hours isn’t a lot of time to help shape the development of the child. Any father who makes his children a priority shows that his advice is worth listening to.

4. His Home Must Be in Order

As humans, we all struggle with taking the path of least resistance. It is our nature. When I visit someone’s home and I see it is in disarray, weeds everywhere, clothes on the floor in piles, dishes piled up everywhere, it shows slothfulness. Im not saying you must have everything perfect, but I am saying you must have everything clean. Children model what they grow up in as they develop. As men we are responsible for the home. It is our job to choose the right home for our family situation. If it’s too big to take care of because of life’s requirements, it is our responsibility the change it to something that is manageable.

5. His Faith Must Be in Order

Any man who claims he is a man of faith must prove it by his actions, not only his words. Many people seek advice from friends of their faith concerning their relationships. I once had a neighbor who hosted couples bible studies who I admired for it until one day I worked with him. During work hours it was impossible to distinguish him from any other foul-mouthed man. If you are taking advice from a man of faith, he must walk the talk, not just talk the talk. Especially when no one is looking.

6. He Must Be Involved with The Community

A leader worth following is a leader worth listening to. Leaders give back. They get involved as a way of showing gratitude for the blessing they receive. They see needs and they fill it. Im not talking about being a little league coach, although that is very admirable. Being involved without having a personal stake in it, say promoting my child to achieve something I never did as a child for personal reasons, is a quality that is worth admiring. The best examples are those men who get involved and involve their entire family because they teach them the importance of giving back.

As i said earlier, they must meet all six categories for the advice to be worth following. The worst advice is poor advice. Holding those we listen to higher standards will raise our own standards and cause us to rise higher as we lead our families.

You might also like this article.

RELATIONSHIPS✵Are Not About Sex ~ They’re About You

[1] 10 Most Common Reasons for Divorce/ Shellie Warren/ Updated: 8 Jun, 2020/Marriage.com/accessed 08/18/2020/ https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divorce/

[2] Average hours per day parents spent caring for and helping household children as their main activity/ U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics/accessed 08/18/2020/ https://www.bls.gov/charts/american-time-use/activity-by-parent.htm

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Learn How to Live a Happy Life & Approach Each Day with a Positive Attitude.

Pick Up This Book Now:

You Matter, even if you don’t think so

From: Joseph Binning
Subject: Happiness Is A Choice

Dear Friend,

Happiness is something we all strive for. Nobody wants to be miserable. Yet, we oftentimes get in our own way when it comes to being happy.

Did you know there is a difference between feeling happy and being truly happy? It’s true. There are things that can make you feel happy, temporarily. An alcoholic drink, a shopping trip and so forth. But to be truly happy, you must feel it from within, without those instant gratification items.

If you are not feeling true happiness. If you’re relying on someone else to make you happy, you need to grab my book.

Inside you’ll learn:

•  How we make our lives hard by not choosing happiness

•  Techniques for being more positive

•  How to take responsibility for your own happiness

•  How to stop relying on others to make you happy

•  How to love without attachment

• ….and More!

BUY IT TODAY:

You Matter, even if you don’t think so

Simply follow the link and start the journey today!

Amazon You Matter, even if you don’t think so

If you are tired of being miserable and want more happiness in your life, get started right now. Just follow the link and get started living the life you were meant to live. Your new life starts today!

Here’s to Your Success,
Joseph Binning

Happiness Is A Choice

Copyright © JosephBinning.com. All Rights Reserved.

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The Type Of Love You Can Give Is Determined by The Type Of Love You Give Yourself

We were all born to  Love. It’s our destiny to give ourselves to another. To be so connected with each other, that where we begin and the other stops is hard to determine. But The Type Of Love You Can Give Is Determined by The Type Of Love You Give Yourself.

You cannot give that which you do not have to another. So, in order to fully Love another, you must fully Love yourself first.

Growing up for me was hard. I didn’t feel Loved. I didn’t feel needed. I didn’t feel wanted. Fact is, I was abandoned at a very vulnerable age. So, as I grew older, I needed to be Loved. I needed someone to Love me. This differs from needing someone because you Love them.

When you need to be Loved you will allow yourself to endure things which you shouldn’t. Abusive relationships, conditional or one-way relationships, Loveless relationships, the list goes on and on.

You identify yourself with the relationship because you have no self-identity. You just don’t know who you are as a person or as an individual. There is only We because you don’t see any value in Me.

So, you base your self-esteem on the We of the relationship. You lean on the other person just a little more than you should, and they eventually see you as weak, which you are.

You surrender your power over yourself to them and if they are not the right person for you, which they usually are not, they can use you at their will. Their opinion of you is what you believe to be true since you have such a low opinion of yourself.

You give them the power to destroy your entire day by merely saying mean, nasty, or negative things about you to you and you choose to believe it. Even though the words might not be true.

I have a saying that I use often. In order to be Loved, you must be Lovable. And in order to be Loveable, you must Love yourself first.

Self-Love is more important than just Love, because if you have no reference of what is good for you, how can you provide that which is good for someone else.

So, what is Self-Love?

• Self-Love is being your own best friend and not needing any other.

• Self-Love is taking care of your own needs first, then another’s.

• Self-Love is not settling for less than you deserve, ever.

• Self-Love is setting healthy boundaries for yourself and others.

• Self-Love is allowing yourself to not be perfect, simply perfect for you.

• Self-Love is only allowing healthy relationships to enter and stay in your life.

• Self-Love is never settling for a life of mediocrity, only the excellence you deserve.

• Self-Love is forgiving yourself for your mistakes and knowing the mistakes only make you wiser.

• Self-Love is always being thankful for everything, knowing you deserve the best.

“The heart that gives thanks is happy, for we cannot feel thankful and unhappy at the same time.”

— Douglas Wood

So how do we live a life of Self-Love?

• Know that You Matter. You have a voice and it deserves to be listened to, both by you and others.
• Know that sometimes doors close on purpose. Life will sometimes close a door and yet open a window. Look for the window, then see what it’s showing you.
• Don’t pretend to be okay when you are not. Be honest with yourself and others, always.
• Live in a state of appreciation for yourself. Realize there is only one of you. You are unique on purpose.
• Know that life was designed not to be a spectator sport. Life requires participation, so jump in.
• Realize that nothing grows in your comfort zone, it only stays stagnant. Step outside of it and see what the world has in store for you.
• Live intentionally. Stop reacting to life and be proactive. With purpose and on purpose.

Living a life of Self-Love will allow you to give yourself permission to receive what you want out of life. Getting what you want may take longer with Self-Love, but it will be worth the wait.

Life is a journey and you are the captain, you are in charge. You have the power to take it wherever you want and the ability to make it avoid wherever you don’t want to go. Set your course wisely and always remember The Type Of Love You Can Give Is Determined by The Type Of Love You Give Yourself.

You might also like this: A THANKFUL HEART CREATES A GRATEFUL HEART

And this one: THE GREATEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE, IS TO LOVE YOURSELF

If you have enjoyed this article, please visit me at www.JosephBinning.com for more helpful tips and articles.

You can also get more helpful information in my book You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here Amazon You Matter, even if you don’t think so

For my free report Happiness Is A Choice click here: Happiness Is A Choice Free Report

Remember: Happiness is a choice, so be happy.

The post The Type Of Love You Can Give Is Determined by The Type Of Love You Give Yourself appeared first on JosephBinning.com.

If It’s Broken, Fix It

We live in a world now where when something breaks; we throw it away. It becomes disposable to us, including relationships. Being in a relationship that feels broken can make you feel stuck, but the Love you share with another is worth fixing.

As someone who has had many relationships that did not work, I am an expert on what does not work in a relationship. Here are some helpful suggestions that I hope will help you.

Fix it BEFORE it is Broken

Ultimately, the best time to fix something before it’s broken. There is the story that was shared with me by a mentor, of which I have had many, of two hurt people make eye contact with each other from across the room and have a relationship. What follows is no surprise, more hurt.

The best fix in any relationship starts with yourself. Take whatever amount of time you need to recover from the sadness and hurt for any past relationships which varies from person to person according to Janet Zinn, LCSW, a New York City–based couple’s therapist before you start another relationship..

“It’s better to get through the breakup and learn what you can from the previous relationship, so you’ve grown,” Zinn says. Once you’ve figured out a lesson or two — what you want in your next relationship, what you don’t, etc. — go ahead and get back out there.[1]

The second-best piece of advice is to be more selective in who you choose to be with. Thinking rationally can be exceedingly difficult when the emotional mind is in charge. The emotional mind is that section of the mind that takes over our decision-making capabilities during certain circumstances. This is an example of the two hurt people making eye contact scenario I mentioned earlier.

These scenarios may carry an emotional weight with them that triggers various responses: dread, anger, sadness, anxiety, etc. For this reason, it’s difficult to maintain an impartial, reasonable mindset when in this state.[2]

The emotional mind will tell you everything is fine, and you will want to listen to it, while the rational mind will tell you that something is wrong.

The Rational Mind bases its decisions on facts, evidence, and what worked in the past. These activities are more likely to foster a straightforward, logical kind of thinking.[3]

We cannot be certain that we won’t be able to control our emotional mind when the time comes, so the best policy is to know what you want before you need it and to seek that which you desire BEFORE you start.

“If you don’t like something in your life-Fix it”

— Joseph Binning

Here are some things to look for in the person you want to give your heart to.

They MUST be able to Communicate with and to You

Communication is possibly the most important key to a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

Communicating is more than good morning and how was your day. Communication is “im feeling bad because….” And being able to complete the sentence without someone getting defensive. To foster good communication, you must follow a few simple rules.

1. Always be truthful. Don’t hide how you feel. Not wanting conflict is a terrible reason to keep things bottled up inside of you. Being honest with yourself and your partner is the best way to be true to your truth, and to them. It’s not fair, or wise, to make someone guess what’s wrong.

2. Don’t blast them with the truth. Your truth might differ from their truth, so keep that in mind. A person who says the truth in a way that no one will hear is just a person talking to themselves.

“A person who says the truth in a way that no one will hear is just a person talking to themselves.”

— Joseph Binning

3. Speak honestly, but always with the other person’s best interest in mind. Discussing tough issues can be hard enough. Don’t just tell what’s on your mind so you can make yourself feel better. Relationships die from a thousand cuts, so wield your sword carefully.

Read my article The Key to Intimacy in Love, Real Love, Is Communication here: Communication

There MUST be Balance in any Relationship

When two people join together, there is now twice as much work required each day. While the expression “many hands make light work” is appropriate in this situation, it doesn’t always translate into actual life. Sometimes it can mean someone now has more work to do each day than before the relationship started and can leave to resentment.

Here are some ground rules to follow for best results:

1. Make an agreement that we will not discuss any decision that only effects the individual, but we must discuss any decision that directly effects the couple first. Don’t blindside your partner on anything.
2. Discuss the workload BEFORE you start. There is no written rule that only one person must clean or do laundry. Common chores are a joint responsibility. Discuss this in a fair and balanced way. Overloading one person is a sure way of causing resentment.
3. Discuss your financial responsibilities and commitments weekly. Carve out a day each week to discuss what you owe, who you owe, and how you plan to pay for it. Plan for emergencies and long-term goals. Finance is NOT the responsibility of only one person and doing so leads to resentment and doubt.
4. Take turns setting up date night. When only one person is responsible to arrange everything, it leaves room for resentment and feelings of nonappreciation. Remember, date night is essential, especially after kids.
5. Take care of yourself, first. Keeping your own identity is the best way of keeping yourself balanced. Taking care of what you need for you, ensures that resentment for never being able to do what you need to do for you will ever come up. Carve out YOU time and honor it.

Read my article RELATIONSHIPS-Are Not About Sex ~ They’re About You here: RELATIONSHIPS

You MUST Maintain your Connection to Each Other

Relationships have a way of becoming “comfortable”. This is a sign that they are getting stagnant and could implode before your eyes. Maintain you Connection to each other is remembering the Why in why you are together. The reason you are together.

Getting “comfortable” in a relationship can lead to a lack of putting in the effort and phoning it in. This can lead to resentment from your partner, which if left unchecked can lead to the end of the relationship.

Here are some ground rules to follow for best results:

1. Never assume. People appreciate being asked their opinion. It shows them you value it and them. The easiest way to start a fight is to assume you know how someone feels or thinks about any subject. Checking in shows you care, so check in.
2. Tell your partner how you feel about them every day. As people, we need to hear that we are loved. Don’t assume that actions dictate to another person you love them. We NEED to hear it. It feeds our souls so say it but mean it.
3. Always think of the other person and how your actions will affect them BEFORE it happens. The easiest way to end a relationship is to think about you and only you. The “what about me” attitude is selfish. You will get what you give.
4. Protect them, especially from yourself. We can be our own worst enemies in a relationship, its part of being human. Be Aware of that. If you have the choice of being kind or right, be kind.

Read my article THE MOST IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN LOVE, REAL LOVE, IS TRUST here: THE MOST IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN LOVE

If you have enjoyed this article, please visit me at www.JosephBinning.com for more helpful tips and articles.

You can also get more helpful information in my book You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here Amazon You Matter, even if you don’t think so

For my free report Happiness Is A Choice click here: Happiness Is A Choice Free Report

Remember: Happiness is a choice, so choose to be happy.

[1]

13 Experts Reveal The Best Time To Date After A Breakup/ Bibi Deitz/Bustle.com/accessed 10/27/2020/ https://www.bustle.com/life/178909-when-is-the-best-time-to-date-after-a-breakup-13-experts-weigh-in#:~:text=Many%20times%2C%20people%20are%20ready%20to%20start%20seriously,White%2C%20an%20author%20and%20relationship%20expert%2C%20tells%20Bustle.

[2] THE 3 MINDS: EMOTIONAL, RATIONAL, AND WISE/accessed 10/27/2020/ https://www.hellopeacefulmind.com/the-3-minds-emotional-rational-and-wise/#:~:text=%20There%20are%20many%20examples%20in%20which%20the,4%20Certain%20people%2C%20places%2C%20or%20events%20More%20

[3] THE 3 MINDS: EMOTIONAL, RATIONAL, AND WISE/accessed 10/27/2020/ https://www.hellopeacefulmind.com/the-3-minds-emotional-rational-and-wise/#:~:text=%20There%20are%20many%20examples%20in%20which%20the,4%20Certain%20people%2C%20places%2C%20or%20events%20More%20

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Relationships are a normal part of life. We all have them. Might be with your soulmate, might be with your cat, but With Every Relationship Comes Rights, And Responsibilities. that’s because while the human connection to people, places, and things appears to be innate, the ability to form healthy relationships we learn by what we experience in our early developmental years.

We have all heard of the parent who could not outwardly express their love to their children. Never spoke an encouraging word to them. Never consoled them when they were feeling down. Never encouraged them to chase their dreams. Struggled to show public displays of affection. Never said out loud “I Love You”.

So, it’s not surprising that as we grow, we might struggle with relationships. That we might not know that With Every Relationship Comes Rights, And Responsibilities.

Dictionary.com lists the definition of relationship as:

Relationship

noun

1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people:
4. A sexual involvement; affair.[1]

They also list the definition of responsibility as:

Responsibility

noun

1. the state or fact of being responsible, answerable, or accountable for something within one’s power, control, or management.
2. an instance of being responsible:
3. a particular burden of obligation upon one who is responsible:
4. a person or thing for which one is responsible:
5. reliability or dependability, especially in meeting debts or payments.[2]

“We all have the right to be in a relationship, and a responsibility to protect it,

especially from ourselves”

— Joseph Binning

Read my article Five Things the Buddha taught me about Relationships here: Five Things the Buddha taught me about Relationships

In any relationship, whether or not you know it, you have rights.

You Have the Right to Be Safe

When I was younger and less aware, I Loved you because I Needed you. The correct way of being in any relationship is to Need someone because you Love them. When we Love someone because we Need them, we place our well being in their hands. We give them control of how we feel about ourselves. We put ourselves second, which is last.

When we give anyone that much power over us, we allow them to hurt us mentally, and possibly physically, which no person has the right to do to another.

In non-emotional relationships, ie: friendships, employee relationships, associations, or acquaintances we also have the right to be safe and any relationship that does not honor that should not be a part of your life.

You Have the Right to Feel Validated

Validation is one way that we communicate acceptance of ourselves and others. In every relationship you have a voice. You have an opinion that matters because you matter.

When we are in any relationship and our opinion, thoughts, feelings, mental health, or person are not respected, honored, considered, appreciated, or recognized we cannot feel validation. It is just not possible.

When we allow ourselves to be in any relationship where we are not recognized, respected, and validated, we place ourselves in a position to allow another person to develop an opinion of us we believe by allowing it to happen. We also tell ourselves we do not matter, when in fact we do.

Read my article The Most Important Ingredient In Love, Real Love, is Trust here: The Most Important Ingredient In Love, Real Love, is Trust

You Have the Right to Have Your Needs Met

I know what it’s like to put everyone first and place yourself last. Imagine a person standing in front of eight thin poles about shoulder high. One at a time they attempt to spin a dinner plate on each pole to have all eight plates spinning all at once.

Now imaging the plates slowing down and becoming wobbly and falling before all eight plates are spinning and the person scrambling to add another plate on to that pole. They spend the entire time adding new plates, keeping them spinning. By the time they are done, and all the plates are spinning, they all fall and break on the ground and they are exhausted.

This is what it’s like putting everyone first. I tried to make everyone happy, and I was miserable. I felt like I was always putting another plate on a stick and trying to keep it spinning, only to have them all break.

To be healthy, you MUST see to your own needs first. You must be your own best friend. Your own champion. First. If you are in any relationship that does not allow you to meet your own needs first, to take care of you first, including your relationship with your children, it’s your own fault and you must change it.

Read my article Relationship Are Not About Sex ~ They’re About You here: Relationship Are Not About Sex ~ They’re About You

“If you are not good to yourself, how do you expect to be good to or for anyone else?”

— Joseph Binning

You Have the Right to Feel Valued

In every relationship you, as a person, have the right to be the person who you are, not what you are. You have the right to be valued as a person. You have the right to be valued for your uniqueness. You have the right to be valued just as you are.

Lack of a positive self-image will prevent us sometimes from leaving a terrible relationship. We think this is all we deserve. That we might not get anything better. That this is the best it can get. You are wrong.

Imagine this: look around you and see the beauty surrounding you wherever you are. The beauty of a sunset. The beauty of a flower growing. The beauty of a mountain reaching up to the heavens as if it were reaching for the stars. The beauty of the full moon on a clear night surrounded by a galaxy of stars.

Know this: even if you were the only person on this Earth, the Universe would have created all of this in all its wonder, just for you. You and just you. If you are that important to your creator how important does that make you? You are the most important person in this Universe.

If you are in any relationship where you do not feel valued as a person, leave.

Read my article The Key to Intimacy in Love, Real Love, is Communication here: The Key to Intimacy in Love, Real Love, is Communication

If you have enjoyed this article, please visit me at www.JosephBinning.com for more helpful tips and articles.,

You can also get more helpful information in my book You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here Amazon You Matter, even if you don’t think so

For my free report Happiness Is A Choice click here: Happiness Is A Choice Free Report

Remember: Happiness is a choice, so choose to be happy.

[1] Dictonary.com/Definitions/Relationship/Accessed 10/20/2020/ https://www.dictionary.com/browse/relationship

[2] Dictonary.com/Definitions/Responsibility/Accessed 10/20/2020/ https://www.dictionary.com/browse/responsibility

The post With Every Relationship Comes Rights, And Responsibilities appeared first on JosephBinning.com.

“Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.”–Gloria Steinem.

As humans, we all desire and seek Love. We were, in fact, created to find, fall into, and be in Love. Finding it is easier than keeping it. For Love to last and remain passionate, warm, safe, and trustworthy, intimacy is the key. Intimacy brings you close. Intimacy creates trust. Intimacy builds the bond that will keep you together when the storms of life befall you. The key to creating intimacy, in any relationship, is communication.

For men (and I know because I am one of them) the subject of intimacy is confusing. I have heard it said from a trusted friend of mine that in relationships you will either misunderstand or be misunderstood. The trick is to figure out which one it is.

When a woman tells a man, she wants an intimate relationship with him she means she wants to feel close to him, trust him, and have the relationship where she could bare her soul and share all of her secrets to and be able to trust that all will be safe.

When a man hears a woman tell him she wants an intimate relationship with him, he sees her naked, in bed.

Intimacy, as a subject, is a difficult thing to understand. Especially for men. Dictionary.com defines intimacy as “a feeling of being intimate”. (A lot of help that does to help me understand it.) “a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.” There it is again, sex (at least in a man’s mind).

Last, “sexual intercourse”. And there it is in black and white.[1]

It’s no wonder that men and women struggle with intimacy in relationships. We confuse the sex with closeness, a bond, a spiritual connection. But it’s just sex. Eventually that all slows down or stops. Mix two jobs into the equation, throw in two kids, add some outside pressures from community or possibly family, and suddenly your roommates who only connect when you brush by each other in the hallway going opposite directions.

After the beginning stage of a relationship is over, lovingly nicknamed the Honeymoon Stage, and the relationship feels “familiar or comfortable”, for a woman to stay closer to her partner she needs a deep connection to them. She needs to feel safe. She needs to feel she is seen, heard, appreciated, cherished, and adored. If you give her these things, she will faithfully follow you anywhere and be supportive of you. But she will only do that with intimacy. Once that disappears, so will she.

Intimacy is not sex. Sex results from intimacy. Every woman will desire her partner passionately if you are intimate with her. It’s simple, basic chemistry. Get a woman to desire you and she won’t want to take her hands off you.

We only create intimacy with communication. Words spoken. A conversation between two people.

According to speech mastery.com, in an article titled Words Spoken, How Many Do You Use in a Day? They report that men speak on an average 10,000 words per day and women speak on an average 25,000.[2]

For men, and remember I am one, the fundamental problem is that we speak most of our words BEFORE we come home.

In my upcoming book What Every Man Needs to Know About Women, or how to have my wife WANT to have sex with me again, I speak to men on how to create intimacy with your partner. The fact is you chose her. Her, not someone else. Finding her was tough. You had countless other attempts to find “Your Person” but they didn’t cut it. She is “The One”.

To protect this blessed gift you have, and it is a gift, will require you give her what she needs to feed her soul in this relationship, otherwise she will find it somewhere else. This is not to complete her. She doesn’t need you for that since she is complete and capable without you already. Don’t believe me? Don’t give her what she needs and watch her take care of herself without you.

But if you give her what she needs, you have a life of bliss.

How to Create Intimacy with Communication

Here are some suggestions of how to create Intimacy with Communication in your relationship.

1. Make eye contact

Whenever someone speaks to me and refuses to make eye contact with it me makes me feel they are being untruthful or disrespectful. When you speak with her, look her in the eyes. The eyes are the window to the soul. You will, if you try, be able to “see” her feelings. You will know how she feels and how important to her what she is saying is to her.

2. Be Present

The easiest way of making someone feel alone in a room, and this goes for both men and women, is to be somewhere else instead of being with them. When you are with her, BE WITH HER. Work will always be there. Who scored the winning goal doesn’t matter. What your friend on the other side of the world you have never met posted to social media doesn’t matter. The moment you are in is all that matters. Time is the only resource we cannot get back. Don’t waste it.

3. Be A Good Listener

Men are rational creatures, and women are emotional creatures. That’s just how we were created. If a woman trusts that you will listen, she will come to you. Most of the time she doesn’t need your help, she just wants you to listen. Don’t confuse the two. It’s easy to say, “well just do so and so and it solves your problem”. That’s not what she needs unless she asks for a suggestion. Women talk out problems, usually with other women because men do not listen. When she comes to you, she sometimes just needs to vent. Let her. It’s not a reflection on you, it’s just how she feels. Give her that.

4. It’s Not All About You

As men, we get offended when a woman shares her feelings with us. It’s as if she is attacking us, so we go on the defense. That’s the easiest way for her to shut down, withdraw, and learn you cannot be trusted with her feelings. She needs to learn I can trust you to listen. You are not in charge of her feelings; she is.

5. Protect Her from Her Enemies

Her biggest enemy is your ego. As men we all have one, some bigger than others, and sometimes it gets in the way. When in doubt, put her first. Put her feelings first. Put her welfare first. Put her trust first. She will return the favor if we do it without expectations.

6.No Expectations

Conditional Love is the worst. I have had it, I didn’t like it, and I left it specifically for that reason. When you do something kind, gentle, loving, or as an act of Love, don’t keep a scorecard. And a gift, and we should look at these as gifts, are no longer gifts if you expect to be repaid or rewarded for them. They become bribes. When you give, and I hope you give freely and often, give out of a place of Love for that person “just because”. Not because of….

7. Choose to be Kind, Instead of Being Right

When you have a choice, and you will choose kindness. Women respond to kindness better than being informed how wrong something is. They remember it both ways.

8. You Are Responsible to Her, Not for Her

Women cannot embarrass you for their action because it is their actions. They can only embarrass themselves around you when you believe you are her parent instead of her partner. If she makes a mistake, and she will, just as you will, cut her the same slack you cut yourself. We all make mistakes. When you discuss it, speak kindly, so when the shoe is on the other foot she will remember and do in kind.

9. Make Her Feel Like She Is the Only One in The Room

When you are with her, pay attention to her. Notice her. Tell her she is Beautiful, every time. All the time. Say it looking into her eyes. Gently hold her head and kiss her on the forehead, for no reason at all, and tell her how grateful you are to have her in your life. Not only will this fill her emotional bank account, but you will feel more connected to her.

10. Appreciate Her for Who She Is

In relationships we give ourselves roles to fill, responsibilities to take, tasks we assign to ourselves. We share the duties of life. Show her you appreciate her by sharing her load. Do something without being asked. Buy or pick flowers for no reason. Write her a note telling her how much you value her and appreciate her. Any act of random kindness creates lasting appreciation and gratitude.

Last, tell her you Love her by actions and words. I’m not saying buying her Love by showering her with gifts and trips. Gifts and trips have a place in every relationship, but they are not the glue that holds them together. They are the benefits of. It’s the little things that you do every day that will mean more to her that have a lasting value to her, and ultimately you. So, do them well.

[1] Intimacy/Dictionary.com/accessed 08/17/2020/ https://www.dictionary.com/browse/intimacy

[2] Speechmastery.com/ Words Spoken How Many Do You Use in a Day? /accessed 08/17/2020/ https://www.speechmastery.com/words-spoken.html

You might also like this: A THANKFUL HEART CREATES A GRATEFUL HEART

And this one: THE GREATEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE, IS TO LOVE YOURSELF

If you have enjoyed this article, please visit me at www.JosephBinning.com for more helpful tips and articles.

You can also get more helpful information in my book You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here Amazon You Matter, even if you don’t think so

For my free report Happiness Is A Choice click here: Happiness Is A Choice Free Report

The post The Key to Intimacy in Love, Real Love, Is Communication appeared first on JosephBinning.com.

 “I trust you” is a better compliment than “I love you” because you may not always trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust…

-Joseph Binning

Love, we all seek it. We all need it. We all desire it. Lasting, fulfilling Love. But to give yourself to another, fully and freely give them all of you, the most important ingredient in Love, is Trust.

Trust is one of the most crucial building blocks of becoming emotionally intimate with another person. It is fundamental for a healthy, close relationship. The building of trust takes time, patience, and work to establish it.

Merriam-Webster defines trust, the verb, as;

1. to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of
2. to place confidence in: rely on.

Trust means trusting yourself, your own judgments, and trusting others. Trust is the foundation for any relationship. Without it, the relationship will not last. Lack of trust is the main reason relationships fall apart.

Why?

Because, if you don’t have trust, it means you won’t feel secure with your partner. Trust means you can rely on your partner, can confide in them, and feel safe with them.

When mistrust comes in, loves goes out.

 -Irish proverb

But we must earn trust. It takes time. It’s not automatic. It is essential to a lasting love. The good news–with effort, we can build trust.  Even if there have been issues with trust in your relationship, you can change and build a trusting, secure connection. The first step is to recognizes if you have trust issues in your relationship and then work to build trust and improve your relationship.

We fill the beginning with long, laughter-filled dates and passionate first kisses. Afterwards might bring moments filled with doubt—maybe even fear—about your budding romance and where it is going might creep in. People bring all kinds of baggage with them when they enter a new relationship, and a lack of trust can weigh the union down before it even gets started.

We’re all carrying our pasts around with us: Whether we’re scarred by an unfaithful partner from a previous relationship or we’re working through a childhood trauma, learning to trust a new partner and/or moving past old trust issues can be tough. And getting your partner to trust you is no simple task.

Why Trust is vital in a relationship

A relationship without trust is like a car without gas, you can stay in it all you want, but it won’t go anywhere.

 -Joseph Binning

In a relationship you cannot give all of yourself to someone you cannot trust.

In a lasting relationship you place your heart in someone else’s hands, freely, without hesitation, and you give all of it. It is a scared rite of passage. Without trust, this is not possible.

Trust promotes healing

I have always said that in a relationship you will either someone will misunderstand you or you will be misunderstood. The trick is to figure out which one it is. In either case, someone stands the chance of getting hurt. Lack of trust will prevent the other person from seeking relief from the pain, either from causing the pain, or receiving the pain. If you can trust that the other person will listen to you, and receive what you said, trust will flourish.

Trust breeds hope

Hope is a powerful thing. If your partner trusts you, there is always hope that your relationship can survive the storms of life. Trust that you won’t leave. Trust that you will listen, intending to hear what you have to say. Trust that they will stand beside you.

Trust keeps your emotions in check

Healthy trust in a relationship will prevent those thoughts in your head of unfaithfulness if your partner doesn’t answer the phone. Trust will prevent the mind from racing out of control when you are not with your partner. Trust will allow you to be honest and open with your partner when you have an issue to discuss.

Trust sets you free

Trusting your partner and being trusted by your partner gives you the freedom to not need to explain your actions and decisions to your partner. It allows you to have personal space without having to worry and allows you to be fully present wherever you are.

For trust to flourish, you must first be trustable

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

–Ernest Hemingway

 

For trust to flourish, we must consistently earn trust.

Each time you earn your partner’s trust by showing them you are trustworthy, you put reserves in your emotional savings account. We draw from this account when situations arise that might otherwise cause doubt. Earning your partner’s trust will create security in your partner, which brings trust to the relationship.

Live with a high level of integrity.

Integrity creates a high level of trust in your partner because they can come to expect how you will act or react in certain situations. When your partner knows that you will do the right thing even when no one is around creates a powerful level of trust in any relationship, but especially with your partner.

Look them in the eyes

Make eye contact. When you speak to your partner, fix your eyes on them, and them only. Avoid the distractions. Make them feel as if they were/are the only ones in the room, no matter where you are. Direct eye contact tells them they matter to you in that moment. Teaching them how important they are to you will build a powerful bond and create a powerful level of trust.

Always be honest

Be yourself always. Never try to be someone or something else, especially when you are together. If something offends you, say so. If your mad, say so lovingly. If something makes you happy, say so. Don’t hide your feeling for any reason. Allow them to trust that they know the real you.

Always show respect

Respect goes a long way. Showing someone the respect they do or don’t deserve makes you the better person and builds trust that you will always act with honor. Honor the relationship and respect the person.

TRUST IS THE OIL THAT KEEPS YOUR RELATIONSHIP BURNING

I’m not upset that you lied to me; I’m upset from now on, I can’t believe you.

–Friedrich Nietzsche

We can liken trust to oil in a lamp. Without it, the fire in your relationship won’t remain burning. And just as oil helps keep a machine working efficiently, trust helps make sure your relationship keeps on working and moving in the right direction. Trust, like oil, should be clean and free of debris. To replenish trust in your relationship, like oil, you need to keep it free from debris which leads to doubt. You can do it by choosing to trust and be trustworthy daily. As soon as you wake up, make a conscious decision to trust and not doubt. Eventually, trusting will become part of your system and one that you won’t have to force yourself into doing.

Trust is the key component of every relationship and should be an intricate part of your relationship. Value it, enjoy it, but protect it, and your relationship will be as strong as a fortress built on a hill.

You might also like this: IN ORDER TO LOVE SOMEONE WELL, YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF, FIRST * 12 EASY STEPS TO LEARN HOW

And this one: WHY THE MESSAGE YOU MATTER, EVEN IF YOU DON’T THINK SO IS SO IMPORTANT NOW

If you have enjoyed this article, please visit me at www.JosephBinning.com for more helpful tips and articles.

You can also get more helpful information in my book You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here: Amazon You Matter, even if you don’t think so

For my free report Happiness Is A Choice click here: Happiness Is A Choice Free Report

Remember: Happiness is a choice, so be happy.

The post The Most Important Ingredient In Love, Real Love, Is Trust appeared first on JosephBinning.com.

One of the most well-known men in history, Sihartha Guatama- also known as the Buddha- transformed an entire culture, and still does today.

His teachings were rational, accessible, and most of all, simple. The simplistic nature of his teachings appeals to me as a traveler on this journey we call life.

He taught the path of enlightenment, the way of truth that anyone could discover provided they came with an open heart and an open mind. It is said he had discovered Nirvana himself while sitting underneath a Bodhi tree.

Travelling only a tiny segment of northern India, Buddha’s teachings are one of the few religions that spread through nonviolent means. Keyword; non-violent.

Instead of being converted by force as many religions have done, the simplistic way convinced millions how to show up in this life. A way with peaceful solutions to everyday problems, trials, and tribulations. Rather than react and attempt to control life’s outcome, the thought is to be one with it. To be a part of it, a minor piece of life’s puzzle, not the center, or principal part of it.

Because of its freeing nature and by adopting the teachings which translated to a way of seeing and living one’s life, it worked for people, many people. Today there are 375 million followers of the Buddhist way of life and it is the fourth largest religion after Christianity, Islam, and Hinduism.

2,600 years later, it still work’s for people. I am one of them. Although I do not claim to be a Buddhist, I align myself with many of the teachings because of the simplicity it brings to my life. To me, what I relate to the most is the simple thought, and my number one thought, Be Happy. Not be Happy when… Not be Happy if… Not be Happy because… Just, be Happy. Happiness is a choice. No external thing, person, or circumstance can make me Happy. Only I can. Happiness is, a choice, an internal choice. This was, and still is, the most liberating life decision I have ever made.

Let us be clear here, I am not advocating for Buddhism, nor am I suggesting your choice of how you live your life is wrong and mine is right. Far from that. In my studies I research all religions and all teachings from many teachers, as I suggest you do, to gain a well-rounded way of deciding what is correct for you. I do not advocate blindly following any teaching without doing the research first. Ultimately, it’s your choice and your decision. Its is your life and you need to choose what is best for you.

While Buddha rarely gave explicit advice on relationships, he gave commonsense advice on how to move through life. We can apply many of his teachings to all kinds of circumstances, including our relationships.
Here are 5 of his teachings that can make a lasting impact in how you approach your relationships.

You are Enough

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”

This, more than any other teaching of the Buddha, means the most to me. To Love another, you must first Love yourself. The Tao Te Ching says, “everything I need, is already here”. Two complete people make a relationship work; two incomplete people create chaos. Love yourself first.

Do not fight what you cannot change

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

Relationships will frustrate you. We design them to be that way. When we attempt to control an outcome is when we realize we are not in charge and we need to accept it. Rather than get frustrated because of someone’s behavior, accept that that is who they are in that moment, but realize that might not be who they are.

Rather than get frustrated because of any outcome, ask yourself, what was I supposed to learn here? What was life trying to teach me? What valuable lesson am I missing because of my anger? One moment of anger can change an entire life of kindness and good deeds in an instant.

Trust

 

“It is a man’s own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways.”

One of my biggest mistakes in past relationships was to not ask questions out of fear. Sometimes what you hear might not be what that person said. Some of the best advice I have ever received was from a pastor friend of mine. Sometimes in life you will misunderstand or be misunderstood. The trick is to figure out which one it is BEFORE you argue.

Trust your partner enough to ask for clarification first. More times than not you will find what they said verses what you heard does not align with what you thought they said and you might say something that cannot be unsaid.

You attracted your partner to you

“Our thoughts shape us; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.”

Everything you think, you attract. Therefore, it stands to reason the relationships you attract are a manifestation of your thoughts. When your thoughts are pure in that relationship, your relationship can shift to a higher level.

My number one thought in my relationship is to be the best Me, for Her. To show her the Love she deserves I must show myself that Love first. I must understand it. I must nurture it myself. I must take care of my body temple. I must take care of my heart to prevent from becoming jaded. I must be Happy first without her but rejoice in the happiness with being with her. With no expectations of Her or anything in return.

Love is NOT a spectator sport

“An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea.”

It is said that Love conquers all. But Love alone is not enough; it needs action.

For Love to flourish, Love requires you to never stop working at it. Never go on automatic. Never assume.

One of my greatest examples of Love in a relationship is a couple I know, who after 26 years of being in a relationship, having raised three children, still go on regular date nights. Each takes turns arranging the dates every week. Time spent just the two of them without distractions. From picnics, to dinners, to movies, to simple walks in the park. Neither neglects the relationships core value and foundation on which we build it on. Neither takes each other for granted, but values what the other brings to the relationship.

Be Kind

“When words are both true and kind, they can change the world.”

Relationships, like life, will test you. They will push you to your limits, on purpose. We bring these moments into our life to teach us, to mold us, and yes, to reward or discipline us. In those moments when you are mad, frustrated, or just at your wits end, be kind. Allow the other person to be right. Give the other the same break you would give yourself. Think BEFORE you say, especially in moments of anger.

Last, Love with everything. Do not hold back. Give everything and expect nothing in return. Giving anything and expecting something in return was after all never a gift, only a bribe.

You might also like this:  IN THE END ALL THAT MATTERS IS WHAT YOU DO

And this one: WHY THE MESSAGE YOU MATTER, EVEN IF YOU DON’T THINK SO IS SO IMPORTANT NOW

If you have enjoyed this article, please visit me at www.JosephBinning.com for more helpful tips and articles.

You can also get more helpful information in my book You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here Amazon You Matter, even if you don’t think so

For my free report Happiness Is A Choice click here: Happiness Is A Choice Free Report

Remember: Happiness is a choice, so be happy.

The post Five things the Buddha taught me about Relationships appeared first on JosephBinning.com.

We base relationships on four principles:

Respect, Understanding, Acceptance, Appreciation

— Mahatma Gandhi

Be it romantic, familial, friendly, physical, emotional, creative, business, social, communal, or spiritual, we base every relationship on four principles: respect, understanding, acceptance, and appreciation.

According to one of the many books I have read on this subject, since the time of Adam and Eve, men and women have struggled with taking responsibility for the way we regard, treat, and behave in our relationships.  When God asked Eve why she ate of the fruit, she answered that the snake had tricked her. When God asked Adam why he ate of the fruit, he answered that the woman (Eve) had tricked him?  When a relationship is struggling, it is typical for each partner to find fault in the other partner.  However, the method of discerning which person needs to take more responsibility in a struggling relationship is simple.  It is the person who complains.

I once knew a person who cared so much for others but could not care for himself.

That person was me. 

— Joseph Binning

For me, relationship was, are, and always have been, one of the most difficult things to understand and navigate.  I’ve struggled with them all of my life, so you might imagine how surprised I was when I found myself inspired to write about them!  I didn’t have much of a relationship with my father, because of his removal from my life at an early age (see my post What I Learned From Being Stuck And Frozen, And Why You Need To Read This).  My only learning in how to be in a relationship came in the first nine years of my life before he left.  That learning came in the form of yelling and screaming to settle arguments, which usually lead to broken dishes.

Conflict resolution and fostering a healthy relationship was not a model I was privy to.  In much of my adulthood, I based the success of my intimate relationships on how much sex we had. My mindset that I believed was, If we just have sex, we’ll become closer.  Sex will solve all our problems.  If we have a lot of sex, we’re fantastic!  Although my childhood experiences might excuse my inability to create and nourish my own healthy relationships, they shouldn’t.

It is our primary responsibility to create a healthy relationship with ourselves if we want to have a healthy relationship with anyone else.

That being said, for my learning, I had to look to others who had a better understanding of what a healthy intimate relationship is, so I could pass this tidbit of guidance on to you.

Intimacy and sex are two different things.  Intimacy starts with our deep, respectful, nurturing, and honest relationship with, and Love for, ourselves.  If we have that as our foundation, we can create the same with others. The truth is: if we have more intimacy with ourselves and our relationships, we will be more intimate.

A definition of Love: happiness that the other person exists.

—Walter Riso

Based on the findings of authors like Walter Riso and Jorge Bucay, the highest value of any relationship lies in the importance of each partner showing gratitude for the gestures of care and affection made toward one another. Neither person takes the partner or the gestures, for granted, but shows recognition and appreciation for them.  In this mutual recognition, appreciation, and gesturing, each partner is co-creating, experiencing, and enjoying a full, healthy Love, or rewarding satisfaction, if referring to less intimate relationships.

In reading Rios’s quote, I noticed that it made no reference to “me” or “I” am receiving anything, other than a feeling of happiness within me, created by my appreciation that my partner exists.

As I grew into adulthood, I fell in Love many times. I attracted and fell in Love mostly with mother figures, women who would take care of me like a mother would take care of her child because I was not taking care of myself. I acted like a man child.  I discovered years later that it was not possible to have a healthy sexual relationship with a mother figure.

When a man acts like a child in a relationship, it forces the woman to act like his mother. The problem with that is, you can’t sleep with your mother!
Joseph Binning

Without consciously knowing it, each of us prevented me from growing up and being the man, I needed to be—and the man they needed me to be, to receive the Love we both deserved. The problem which I realized many years later was that I needed to be Loved verses the desire of wanting to be Loved.  I hadn’t yet learned about, or integrated, the foundational principle of relationships:

You can’t have a healthy relationship unless you are healthy.

Most women are emotional, feeling-oriented beings.  Most men are rational, action-oriented beings. We have been designed in these ways to bring balance into our relationships, to complement one another. A man will trample on a flower.  A woman will notice its beauty and share it, so that the man can see it and come to appreciate it.  The man will remove its thorns before the woman touches it to protect her safety, beauty, and happiness. Balance is the natural order.

The Taoists refer to this as Yin Yang. Yin Yang is the universal balance that embodies the Harmony of opposites.

But, in every relationship, balance comes with responsibilities.  If something is not working, it is the responsibility of both partners to share in working out the solution, though not necessarily in equal parts.  Sharing is something that becomes easier over the long run. It’s not about taking responsibility for all the elements of every problem or splitting them all fifty-fifty.  It’s more about finding a natural balance in our abilities and strengths to care for and nurture the relationship, while always committing to keep the channel of communication and appreciation open.

To share these responsibilities, communication plays a major, fundamental role in the relationship. We can’t make a commitment, take on a responsibility, or reach any kind of agreement without it. We have to be honest and tell the other person what we can and cannot do. It’s a process, with various sub-processes, of continual growth that will work for the benefit of the relationship, and for the benefit of each individual within the relationship, if their Love is healthy.

I’ve always thought the most beautiful response to ‘I Love you’ is: ‘And I can feel your Love.’

— Jorge Bucay

I found an article that really resonated with me on the website Exploring Your Mind that lists the “7 Pillars of Healthy Love:”

• Respect

Healthy Love is more about quality than quantity. Loving a lot doesn’t mean loving well. Loving well implies respecting, trusting, being honest and mutually supportive, balancing the giving and receiving, maintaining separate identities, maintaining individual sources of interest and happiness, and communicating effectively.  Having self-respect and showing respect for the other person are equally important in the foundation of a healthy relationship.

• Trust

Trust is not having to verify everything the other person does and says. It’s feeling certain and relaxed in your belief that the other person will stay committed and willing to share both the good moments and the challenging moments.  Trust is also believing in the relationship’s value and its ability to thrive.

• Honesty

Honesty is being sincere about our feelings, needs, and wants—with ourselves, and with the other person. Being honest with ourselves requires self-inventory.  There can be no sincere and complete exchange for it. This includes being confident that our individual desires, needs, and behaviors don’t violate our partner’s rights.

• Support

It’s important for each partner to show support for the other, being able to differentiate our needs and happiness from the other person’s needs and happiness, and supporting their growth, in all areas.  Support doesn’t always require action or even words.  Many times, it is non-verbal—a look, a hug, a wink, a thumbs up, a clap, a high five, a kiss, or just showing up.

• Equality

Every healthy relationship needs a balance between giving and receiving, in which both partners have a responsibility to care for the relationship. Reciprocity is the basis of a healthy, thriving Love. Effective relationships solidified by exchange. When we give Love, we expect Love. When we exchange generosity, we feel a stronger bond of Love.

• Personal Identity

It’s imperative to maintain our individual, separate identities so that each partner can be all he or she can be. Practicing individualism, where each person keeps self-care, interests, and self-Love alive, is a responsibility each person has to him/herself and his or her partner.  This enables each partner to enter, and continue through the relationship, feeling complete, healthy, and happy already, not needing to feel completed”, healthy, or happy by the relationship, or the partner.

• Good Communication

Communication is paramount in any relationship.  When we’re trying to achieve a healthy partnership, it’s necessary to have good sending and receiving communication skills, for the basic conversation, and when expressing needs, desires, and gratitude, and in discussions and negotiations. A relationship is two people making many, but not all, decisions together and many times, but not always, sharing a point of view. For a couple to agree, it’s vital to have a calm, open, free, and trust-filled conversation.

Here is an exercise to help you identify who you Love, what you Love about your relationships, and why you Love them.

Take a sheet of paper and make two lengthwise columns. On top of the right column, write “Love.”  On the top of the left column, write “Reason.”  Make a list of all the people you Love and everything you Love about your relationships.  Next to that list, write the reasons you Love them.  Take your time with this. Don’t rush it. Really contemplate it.  After you’ve completed the lists, come back to this page and read the rest of this exercise—don’t read it now.  Wait until you’ve finished writing your lists.  Don’t cheat. Now, stop reading and start your lists.

Later, after you’ve completed your lists:

Read each Love and reason, one at a time, and if the reason centers on you, write “Superficial” next to it.  If it centers on the other person, write “Meaningful” next to it.  Now, look at the people and things you listed that you marked “Superficial” and note any realizations, thoughts, or feelings that come up in you.

Last, examine the names of the people you listed, particularly the order you listed them in.  Note any realizations, thoughts, or feelings that come up in you.

Did you list yourself?  If so, where on the list?  If not, why?  Note any realizations, thoughts, or feelings that come up in you.

To Love someone, you must Love yourself first.  If you have not come to Love, value, and nurture yourself, you have no capacity to do that for another.

Practicing the seven pillars is not a foolproof guarantee of a couple’s successful union or future, but if Love and health are there, these will support a healthy, dignified, fun, growth-oriented, and inspired union for both partners.

Your first job is to work on yourself.  The greatest thing you can do for another human being

is to get your own house in order and find your true spiritual heart.

 

–Ram Dass

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