Before You Begin A Journey of Revenge, Dig Two Graves

 

Before You Begin A Journey of Revenge, Dig Two Graves

 

“He Who Seeks Revenge Digs Two Graves”

— Chinese Proverb

Most people are familiar with the expression Revenge is a meal best served cold, but Before You Begin A Journey of Revenge, Dig Two Graves.

Most of us, when wronged, hurt, or feel betrayed, want to avenge the wrong, to make it right in our eyes. But is revenge worth it? The desire for revenge creates pent up anger which:

  • Causes you to lose yourself and prevent you from focusing on where you are and where you need to go.
  • Causes you to live in that moment until released and prevents forward momentum.
  • Can make you physically and emotionally sick.
  • Clouds your judgement and can cause you to do something you wouldn’t normally do, say, or act like.
  • Can make you bitter.
  • Won’t make you feel better and could make you feel worse.

 

Merriam-Webster defines revenge as:

revenge verb

1: to avenge (oneself or another) usually by retaliating in kind or degree

2: to inflict injury in return for[1]

 

“Revenge… is like a rolling stone, which, when a man hath forced up a hill, will return upon him with greater violence, and break those bones whose sinews that gave it motion,”

— Jeremy Taylor, author[3]

If we are honest with ourselves and look at the outcomes and the fallout from revenge, we must look at the possibility that it could backfire.

I knew a person who disliked the fact that his girlfriend was “a big flirt”. This centered on his insecurity, but he didn’t see it that way.

One night, he and his girlfriend were at a party and she was being her social self. Annoyed with her, the man started flirting with a young woman to “get back at her” and in his mind wanted her to see how it felt.

If we are honest with ourselves and look at the outcomes and the fallout from revenge, we must look at the possibility that it could backfire.

The woman followed him into an empty room where she enticed him into having sex with her, which he did using the excuse he was drunk to justify his terrible choice. When they finished the woman walked up to the man’s girlfriend and told her what had just happened.

The girlfriend had enticed another man from that woman in the past and she was exacting her form of payback on the girlfriend and had used the man to get it. The man and his girlfriend are no longer together.

So how do we just forgo the need to exact revenge on another? Know that your thoughts “attract” things, situations, and people into your life daily. They will either move you towards where you need to be, or away from it. The choice is yours.

When you let go the need for revenge in your life, you allow better things to take its place. Not allowing the pent-up anger to fester in the first place can satisfy you and liberate you.

 

I have a friend who once told me to that it is okay to forgive someone who did not ask for it, for my benefit, but to mark them in the back of your brain. When pressed for a definition of that he said “to forgive is our nature because we ourselves are not perfect, but to allow it to happen twice goes against our nature and should be avoided at all costs”.

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to forgive is our nature because we ourselves are not perfect, but to allow it to happen twice goes against our nature and should be avoided at all costs

 

I wrote an article about forgiveness that might help which you can read here:

Forgiveness Not for the Other Person

Forgiving people will prevent the need for revenge. It releases you for the chains that hold and bind you, which is not how you were created to be.

Possibly you have been someone who exacted revenge on another for something. Did it help you with whatever triggered the need for revenge?

Did it make things any better for longer than a short while?

Did it make you a better person because of it?

If so, you can start over. That’s the best thing about life, each day is a new day, and we can hit restart and start over. Never be afraid to start over because each time you do you won’t be starting from scratch; you will start from experience. Use that experience and make today better than yesterday.

I wrote an article about starting over that might help, which you can read here:

YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST, BUT YOU CAN CHANGE THE FUTURE

 

If you have enjoyed this article, please visit me at www.JosephBinning.com for more helpful tips and articles.

You can also get more helpful information in my book You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here Amazon You Matter, even if you don’t think so

For my free report Happiness Is A Choice click here: Happiness Is A Choice Free Report

Remember: Happiness is a choice, so be happy.

You Matter, even if you don't think so[1] Revenge verb/Merriam-Webster.com/accessed 11/05/2020/ https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/revenge

[2] Sinew noun/Dictionary.com/accessed 11/05/2020/ https://www.dictionary.com/browse/sinew

[3] Jeremy Taylor Quotes/allauthor.com/accessed 11 https://allauthor.com/quotes/75994/ /

 

If It’s Broken, Fix It

We live in a world now where when something breaks; we throw it away. It becomes disposable to us, including relationships. Being in a relationship that feels broken can make you feel stuck, but the Love you share with another is worth fixing.

As someone who has had many relationships that did not work, I am an expert on what does not work in a relationship. Here are some helpful suggestions that I hope will help you.

 

Fix it BEFORE it is Broken

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Fix it BEFORE it is Broken

Ultimately, the best time to fix something before it’s broken. There is the story that was shared with me by a mentor, of which I have had many, of two hurt people make eye contact with each other from across the room and have a relationship. What follows is no surprise, more hurt.

The best fix in any relationship starts with yourself. Take whatever amount of time you need to recover from the sadness and hurt for any past relationships which varies from person to person according to Janet Zinn, LCSW, a New York City–based couple’s therapist before you start another relationship..

“It’s better to get through the breakup and learn what you can from the previous relationship, so you’ve grown,” Zinn says. Once you’ve figured out a lesson or two — what you want in your next relationship, what you don’t, etc. — go ahead and get back out there.[1]

The second-best piece of advice is to be more selective in who you choose to be with. Thinking rationally can be exceedingly difficult when the emotional mind is in charge. The emotional mind is that section of the mind that takes over our decision-making capabilities during certain circumstances. This is an example of the two hurt people making eye contact scenario I mentioned earlier.

These scenarios may carry an emotional weight with them that triggers various responses: dread, anger, sadness, anxiety, etc. For this reason, it’s difficult to maintain an impartial, reasonable mindset when in this state.[2]

The emotional mind will tell you everything is fine, and you will want to listen to it, while the rational mind will tell you that something is wrong.

The Rational Mind bases its decisions on facts, evidence, and what worked in the past. These activities are more likely to foster a straightforward, logical kind of thinking.[3]

We cannot be certain that we won’t be able to control our emotional mind when the time comes, so the best policy is to know what you want before you need it and to seek that which you desire BEFORE you start.

 

“If you don’t like something in your life-Fix it”

— Joseph Binning

 

Here are some things to look for in the person you want to give your heart to.

They MUST be able to Communicate with and to You

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They MUST be able to Communicate with and to You

Communication is possibly the most important key to a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

Communicating is more than good morning and how was your day. Communication is “im feeling bad because….” And being able to complete the sentence without someone getting defensive. To foster good communication, you must follow a few simple rules.

  1. Always be truthful. Don’t hide how you feel. Not wanting conflict is a terrible reason to keep things bottled up inside of you. Being honest with yourself and your partner is the best way to be true to your truth, and to them. It’s not fair, or wise, to make someone guess what’s wrong.

 

  1. Don’t blast them with the truth. Your truth might differ from their truth, so keep that in mind. A person who says the truth in a way that no one will hear is just a person talking to themselves.

 

“A person who says the truth in a way that no one will hear is just a person talking to themselves.”

— Joseph Binning

 

  1. Speak honestly, but always with the other person’s best interest in mind. Discussing tough issues can be hard enough. Don’t just tell what’s on your mind so you can make yourself feel better. Relationships die from a thousand cuts, so wield your sword carefully.

Read my article The Key to Intimacy in Love, Real Love, Is Communication here: Communication

 

There MUST be Balance in any Relationship

If It’s Broken, Fix ItWhen two people join together, there is now twice as much work required each day. While the expression “many hands make light work” is appropriate in this situation, it doesn’t always translate into actual life. Sometimes it can mean someone now has more work to do each day than before the relationship started and can leave to resentment.

Here are some ground rules to follow for best results:

  1. Make an agreement that we will not discuss any decision that only effects the individual, but we must discuss any decision that directly effects the couple first. Don’t blindside your partner on anything.
  2. Discuss the workload BEFORE you start. There is no written rule that only one person must clean or do laundry. Common chores are a joint responsibility. Discuss this in a fair and balanced way. Overloading one person is a sure way of causing resentment.
  3. Discuss your financial responsibilities and commitments weekly. Carve out a day each week to discuss what you owe, who you owe, and how you plan to pay for it. Plan for emergencies and long-term goals. Finance is NOT the responsibility of only one person and doing so leads to resentment and doubt.
  4. Take turns setting up date night. When only one person is responsible to arrange everything, it leaves room for resentment and feelings of nonappreciation. Remember, date night is essential, especially after kids.
  5. Take care of yourself, first. Keeping your own identity is the best way of keeping yourself balanced. Taking care of what you need for you, ensures that resentment for never being able to do what you need to do for you will ever come up. Carve out YOU time and honor it.

Read my article RELATIONSHIPS-Are Not About Sex ~ They’re About You here: RELATIONSHIPS

You MUST Maintain your Connection to Each Other

If It’s Broken, Fix ItRelationships have a way of becoming “comfortable”. This is a sign that they are getting stagnant and could implode before your eyes. Maintain you Connection to each other is remembering the Why in why you are together. The reason you are together.

Getting “comfortable” in a relationship can lead to a lack of putting in the effort and phoning it in. This can lead to resentment from your partner, which if left unchecked can lead to the end of the relationship.

Here are some ground rules to follow for best results:

 

  1. Never assume. People appreciate being asked their opinion. It shows them you value it and them. The easiest way to start a fight is to assume you know how someone feels or thinks about any subject. Checking in shows you care, so check in.
  2. Tell your partner how you feel about them every day. As people, we need to hear that we are loved. Don’t assume that actions dictate to another person you love them. We NEED to hear it. It feeds our souls so say it but mean it.
  3. Always think of the other person and how your actions will affect them BEFORE it happens. The easiest way to end a relationship is to think about you and only you. The “what about me” attitude is selfish. You will get what you give.
  4. Protect them, especially from yourself. We can be our own worst enemies in a relationship, its part of being human. Be Aware of that. If you have the choice of being kind or right, be kind.

Read my article THE MOST IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN LOVE, REAL LOVE, IS TRUST here: THE MOST IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN LOVE

 

If you have enjoyed this article, please visit me at www.JosephBinning.com for more helpful tips and articles.

You can also get more helpful information in my book You Matter, even if you don’t think so which you can purchase on Amazon here Amazon You Matter, even if you don’t think so

For my free report Happiness Is A Choice click here: Happiness Is A Choice Free Report

Remember: Happiness is a choice, so choose to be happy.

[1]

13 Experts Reveal The Best Time To Date After A Breakup/ Bibi Deitz/Bustle.com/accessed 10/27/2020/ https://www.bustle.com/life/178909-when-is-the-best-time-to-date-after-a-breakup-13-experts-weigh-in#:~:text=Many%20times%2C%20people%20are%20ready%20to%20start%20seriously,White%2C%20an%20author%20and%20relationship%20expert%2C%20tells%20Bustle.

[2] THE 3 MINDS: EMOTIONAL, RATIONAL, AND WISE/accessed 10/27/2020/ https://www.hellopeacefulmind.com/the-3-minds-emotional-rational-and-wise/#:~:text=%20There%20are%20many%20examples%20in%20which%20the,4%20Certain%20people%2C%20places%2C%20or%20events%20More%20

[3] THE 3 MINDS: EMOTIONAL, RATIONAL, AND WISE/accessed 10/27/2020/ https://www.hellopeacefulmind.com/the-3-minds-emotional-rational-and-wise/#:~:text=%20There%20are%20many%20examples%20in%20which%20the,4%20Certain%20people%2C%20places%2C%20or%20events%20More%20